Ask Angie: "Hi I read your article “Marital Duties of the Christian Husband and Wife” with sadness and agreement. My husband left 6 days ago after a wonderful vacation. It is not the first time. He screamed at me and told me he wanted a divorce. The next day he came to get more clothes and although he would barely stop to listen I did talk and asked him to love me as God lays out what a husband should do. He loves the Lord. we are both Christians. Been married 28 years in a few weeks; have two great kids; one just got married. My husband said he could not love me like God tells him to because he does not love me.
I was shattered.  Haven't been able to eat, or move much out of the house.  He took our camper and is living in it at his work (he owns a repair business.)  My husband has left before.  He has told people he does not love me.

Even though I agree with your article, I know I can't make my husband do anything.  I am at a loss, crushed. I have been to regular counseling to help my insecurities etc but they tell to me leave my husband. Have you written any other articles that deal with this?
Thank you.  

Marriage Guidance: Besides encouragement from this marriage column we have written numerous articles on this subject. You can find many of our articles on our website in the Marriage Healing A to Z area and also on the homepage and in the “loving your husband” area of the website.

Frank and I briefly touch down on this issue as well in this video. We also offer marriage counseling when both spouses are willing to work on the marriage. But of course anyone who knows us will know that our marriage advice will not be to leave the marriage or divorce your husband and there are several good reasons for this.

The problem we see in this marriage is not that your husband does not love you but that he doesn’t know how to love you. Unbeknownst to him, he is rebelling against his purpose as a man and husband! The way society does things and getting wrong information in the churches has a way of conditioning us into believing we are not in love with our spouse anymore because of the way “real love” has become twisted and perverted.

You say that your husband is a Christian but a man of God will understand “how to love his wife” properly. He will also understand that love and being loving is not based on how he is feeling but on what he does!

Many couples have not yet understood the concept of sacrifice for one another because they have not truly accepted Christ’s sacrifice for themselves. We have to have a right relationship with Christ FIRST before we can even begin to love our spouse in the right ways. This is why our materials talk so much about duties, roles and positions of husband and wife in marriage—not working the marriage program according to its Creator is the root cause of failed marriages.

Love Comes From God – God is Love!

When a man or woman says they cannot love their spouse in the ways of God because they don’t “feel” love for them, what they mean is “I don’t want to love you in the ways of the Lord because I want to feel good and please myself.” This is rebelliousness to God and His God-given role for husbands and wives in marriage.  If we don’t love others now, it is because we need inner healing that only God can fix and through that healing God will show us how to love our spouse through His knowledge and wisdom. What do you think is the major reason why Christian marriages fail?

Only when we deny our wretched lives and give up control of managing life under our own wisdom and understanding will we truly “know” what it means to be a whole person, healed from the inside out. Healing can only take place when we humble our lives to the living God and stop trying to be God in our marriage. Marriage is first a lifetime commitment to the one-flesh of marriage and secondly a service towards one another, which is God’s purpose for married couples.

It seems that your husband is angry about something and under a lot of pressure and He needs to go to God with these negative emotions. Anger and other negative emotions are not going to get fixed by walking out, although it is ok to have some alone time, but husbands and wives should come together in the Lord and communicate and express themselves in assertive but kind ways. 

Married Christian couples who feel they are not getting their needs met, need to express these issues with each other and then resolve them according to God’s principles. Couples absolutely need to communicate more and put aside one hour each day just talking with each other about their feelings and express themselves. Couples should never let the sun go down when issues need resolved, don’t put problems on the back burner because over time they will only mount up and become mountains instead of molehills. God teaches us how to love one another, now all we need to do it do it!

Don’t just read the word do what it says!

“But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightaway forgotteth what manner of a man he was. But whose looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.” (James 1:22-25)

Holding in anger and resentment keeps us from God. It truly keeps our hearts so hard that we can’t or don’t want to love our spouse in the ways outlined by God. God says that any man who loves his wife loves himself. What does that mean? It means just what we have been saying so far…love comes from God! We must accept God’s love for ourselves FIRST to love others…inner healing…inner healing…. If we do not love ourselves how can we love others?

“Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”. Do you think that Jesus Christ had to feel good about loving His church FIRST before He could love her? Did Christ say to God, “Father I can’t love these people, they are treating me bad and they are sinful, I don’t want to suffer and die for them? Did Christ say, “I don’t feel very loving today, lets do this sacrifice thing on another day, I’m leaving this city for awhile?”

NO! Jesus did not say any of those things, he loves us no matter what we have done or what we have said or how he feels. This is the way a husband is to love his wife. Walking around saying, “I can’t love my wife because I don’t feel love for her” tells us that this man has some inner healing and faith issues to still deal with. God wants us to go to Him and He will empower us with the Holy Spirit to love others, even when and if we do not feel like it. But that’s just it, once we become empowered with the Holy Spirit we want to love our spouses!!

We’re not perfect; no marriage will ever be perfect; it sometimes still takes effort on our part, but the Spirit gives us the ability to resolve our marital issues in the right ways! It teaches us to pray about our problems and wait on God for the answers and guidance we need. The Spirit of Christ gives us the peace to be content in any situation.

“Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: Everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:11)

No person is perfect and no marriage is perfect; as a matter of fact; we are very imperfect individuals no matter how hard we try to be perfect. This is why we have to work at our marriage! This is why our imperfections cannot stay hidden for long. This is why God brought us His Son to the world! So we could learn to be patient with one another and forgive and be forgiven!

Marriage is the one relationship that craves forgiveness almost daily. If Jesus Christ has forgiven us with all of our imperfections and sinful habits, how much more should we forgive the person we married? Did you know that when couples learn to humble themselves to God that is when they learn to humble themselves to the person they married? This is love from God I’m talking about.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

If we are married then we need to be accountable to God and our spouse in the marriage and start taking responsibility for our part in marriage! And then…we need to restore our marriage (back) to God where it belongs no matter what amount of effort it takes from us. After all, we are God’s children and God’s children do not run away from their problems because they don’t have to! God’s children seek Him for advice and solace and then apply that advice into their personal lives and marriage! Unbelievers throw up their arms and give their marriage to the state because they don’t know any other recourse to take.

“For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light. (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth.).”  Ephesians 5:8

Loving our spouse is all about forgiveness, compassion, sacrifice, commitment, respect, encouragement, submission, etc. When we act on these things called love in our marriage, through our behaviors, this is how a husband loves his wife and a wife her husband; it is the fruit of the Spirit of Christ. What an awesome gift we have been blessed with!

When we forgive each other we are loving
When we are compassionate and kind we are loving
When we are respectful of each other we are loving
When we encourage one another we are loving
When we are committed to our marriage we are loving
When a wife submits her will to her husband she is loving him
When a husband protects and cares for his wife he is loving her

“Grace be with all them that love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen”
(Ephesians 6:24)

 In Christ,
Frank and Angie