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Angie's
Marriage Column ~ Once a Cheat Always a Cheat?
Question:
When your spouse cheats multiple times, doesn't the
line "once a cheat always a cheat" start to become
true?
Guidance:
Yes, it rings very true and I can certainly understand
how you feel. It is very hard to forgive someone who
continually hurts you. But you must try and look at
"it" in a different way. Who is your husband
actually hurting? You are suffering over his iniquities but
he is also hurting himself tremendously. I believe he also
is victimizing himself, if you can understand that?
People
can change. But they usually do not change because of
another person intervening in their life. They first must
come to grips with their sin and turn away from it and that
takes a spiritual intervention; one of which is between the
person and God.
Your
husband is an unbeliever
and that is how you have to look at this situation because
if you look at it with the viewpoint that he is doing this
personally to you than you most likely will not be able to forgive
and help him in his erring ways. I perceive a habitual
cheater and sinner as a person who is spiritually sick,
unable to let go of something they think they love and need.
It is almost like an addiction, and it may very well be a
sex addiction to be a persistent cheater.
I
compare your husband’s sin to an addiction in that any sin
that has taken control over us we have become a slave to and
that makes us sick in the spiritual sense. Until we
find the cure (God) we remain living within our sickness
(sin). Sin
of any kind is not who we are, but what we have made for
ourselves, and so eventually become it. God didn’t make us
to be perpetual sinners, but man became sinful by not
obeying in the first place.
The
bottom line is people can choose to follow Christ or they
can choose to follow their own understanding. But I will
tell you right now, that our own understanding is almost
always flawed. We
need God!
You
are not the victim, even though you are his wife. You must
try to look at this problem with a different viewpoint,
looking away from your self and how it makes you feel. I
know that you feel hurt and you are suffering in your
marriage over it, but you can choose to give up those
feelings, just for a moment, and pray silently that your
husband wake up from his slumber and seek Christ for his
life. This will give you hope and will actually make you
feel better about it in the long run.
We
must always keep our eyes on Christ for our life or else we
will become wrapped up within the spiritual sickness around
us. Don’t let yourself become a part of what your husband
does...ask Christ to help you with that. Because of other
peoples sins this is how we often become tempted to sin as
well.
We
sin because of another person’s sin. But it does not have
to be like that. We don’t have to become spiritually
bankrupt like the people around us, we can choose to seek
out the Living Christ for our life and live as righteously
as humanly possible. And
your influence will actually help your husband.
What
I am trying to say is just because your husband is a sinner
and he chooses to walk in his erring ways does not mean you
have to choose that road for yourself. You can choose to do
what is right and ask God to help you in your time of
suffering and need so you may become the Shining
Light of Christ for your husband. You may be thinking,
“Why should I help him?” Why should you not help him?
Your
husband is in need of a direction. He is steering his ship,
with you in it, down a road that is not conducive to an
upright and godly lifestyle.
He is not leading his home in a proper manner. You
are basically living with an unbeliever and that means if
you want to see change for yourself, you have to make those
changes. Don’t wait for your husband to do it for you.
What you can do, putting aside the anger and bitterness you
have for him, is to pray for him. Don't allow your self to
be or feel victimized.
How
can we forgive a spouse who continues to be unfaithful in
the marriage? We do not have the will power on our own to
forgive others. We have to be accepting of the Spirit of
Christ within us and then ask for the Help we need to
forgive. It takes great faith to give up CONTROL of our
lives and hand our problems over to God, but it’s not
going to do a bit of good wallowing in our sorrows – that
is not going to help the situation. We absolutely need to
give our sorrows over to the One who will listen to us. And
then by faith believe that God will give us the answers we
need.
My heart goes out to you and I do hope that you try and
focus your energies on trying to forgive and let the sins of
another go, because only then can you be free of the pain
and suffering that you are going through. When we allow
ourselves to be guided by the Holy
Spirit, the words of Christ will be on our minds, and
the Power of Christ will help us to overcome our pains and
suffering, whatever they may be. By choosing to call on God
for your own life you will be helping you and your husband
more than you will ever know.
Article
resources:
Finding
Faith and Keeping It
http://www.heavenministries.com/articles/seeking_faith.htm
Scripture
References:
Holy
Spirit
Likewise
the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities; for we know not
what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit
itself make intercession for us with groanings which cannot
be uttered.
And
he that searcheth that hearts knoweth what is the mind of
the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints
according to the will of God.
(Romans
8:26-27 KJV)
Faith
and Wisdom
If
any of you lack wisdom, let him ask God, that giveth to ALL
MEN liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given
him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that
wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and
tossed. (James
1:5-6 KJV)
Seeking
Gods Help
For
he hath despised nor abhorred the affliction of the
afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when
he cried unto him, he heard. (Psalm
22:24 KJV)
Book
Resources
I
recommend my book Adultery
Pandemic for any marriage that is going through the
devastating impact of infidelity. It offers the biblical
guidance couples need to heal and restore their marriage.
Adultery
Pandemic
 A
treasure book filled with effective guidance for your
marriage from forgiveness and trust to recommitting your
lives to each other again.
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