De Facto Marriage means that you are "in fact" married. Whether you have a state marriage license or not. Your marriage may not be recognized by the world, but it is very much recognized by God. Watch the video to see the three aspects that signify you are married to the man or woman you live with?


Angieís Marriage Column ~ December 8, 2010

  Am I really married to my husband if we have not
consummated our marriage?

Ask Angie: Are city hall marriages legal in God's word?

Marriage guidance: Yes! It does not matter where a couple decides to get married. Many people today are married in their backyard, or in hot air balloons, or while skiing down a ski slope, to name just a few examples. Just because a couple is not married in a church building does not mean the marriage is not a marriage according to God.

You are married when 1) the man leaves his parents and promises himself to his wife. 2) And when the two become ďone fleshĒ in the act of consummation. All of the hoopla involved in the marriage ceremony is what is culturally and socially expected of two people when they are married so others, such as relatives and friends can see that you were actually married and are the witnesses to the marriage, but none of it is actually necessary.

God created marriage and the bottom line is in Godís eyes when a man and a woman promise themselves to one another and consummate the relationship they are married.


Ask Angie: Angie and Frank... What do you do when you know the whole marriage was wrong from the get go... like me still married and separated.  I had legal grounds for divorce (sexual infidelity). I have never "felt" married to husband #2.  He is alcoholic. He feigned sexual chastity (intercourse only) but after marriage found out impotent. Am I married? Am I still committing adultery?  Does 1 Cor. 5 pertain to married couples too? 

Marriage Guidance: There are two parts to your question. The first part is about your first marriage. Sexual infidelity is NOT legal grounds for divorce. Most people have been mislead to believe it is ok to divorce a spouse who commits adultery, but the biblical research says otherwise.  There is no such scripture present in the bible. The teachings of Jesus Christ on divorce and remarriage are in Matthew 19: 1-11 and Mark 10:1-12

As many of you know, weíve touched down on this scripture many times but as new people sign up for the marriage column we periodically do a recap for those who are new to the ministry.

He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

And I say unto you, ďWhosever shall put away his wife except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.Ē

Notice the word fornication. What is fornication? Fornication is sex between two unmarried people. Jesus was talking to the Jews whose custom it was to be betrothed before getting married. Betrothed means the marriage has not been consummated yet. Jesus was teaching that during the betrothal period if the woman fornicated with another before the actual consummation of the marriage then he could divorce heróbreakup the betrothal (engagement).

(If this scripture were to mean two married people that had already consummated the marriage Jesus would have used the term adultery, which is what he does use in other scriptures concerning marriage.)

This scripture is NOT talking about a one flesh consummated marriage. There is an instance in Matthew where Joseph and Mary being only betrothed are even called husband and wife but they were not yet married because they had not had sex.  We have to be careful about scripture and really pray about what we are reading, asking God to give us the right guidance for our lives.

We have a wonderful free ebook on the Permanency of Marriage taught by Our King Jesus Christ. Click here to read it.

Now, to the second part of your question. Are you committing adultery? If you and husband #2 have not had sexual intercourse than you are not committing physical adultery, but when you married one another, before God, promising yourselves to one another in marriage, you are committing emotional adultery, which is just as wrong as the physical act. Jesus taught that even looking at another with lust is adultery of the heart.

You see, you were going to have sex with him, had he not been impotent, so what is the difference? Your heart may be unhappy now, but it wasnít when you looked into his eyes and promised yourself to himÖ

I see people hastily rushing into marriage without a thought, without a clue what they are getting into. And then when the marriage is not what they expected they seek ways to get out of the marriage. The marriage contract is the only contract that cannot be dissolved. It is between you and God! Donít walk into marriage thinking you can just get a divorce if it does not work out. Be prepared instead and know the person you are marrying.

We find it truly amazing that Christian people donít know that they are marrying alcoholics, adulterers and other unbelievers. Donít let this happen to your childrenís marriage. Teach them now about Godís ways for Godly relationships BEFORE marriage!

Are you married to husband #2 if the marriage has not been consummated? Wow? We dislike these kinds of questions because we certainly do not want to be the final word on any such issue. But when we look at your circumstance head on using common sense and scripture, we see that you are still married to your first husband (in Godís eyes). In your heart you married husband #2, but the marriage has not been made complete until the sexual union. Had you had sex then you would be committing adultery in Godís eyes and polygamy in the states eyes.

Iím not sure what it is you are trying to do. Get out of your marriage with the second husband?  Sexual intercourse (consummation) completes marriage. Consummation of the marriage means ďonenessĒ and complete knowledge and understanding of the other person. Sexual intercourse seals the social, physical, emotional, and spiritual relationship of marriage. This is precisely why God has reserved sexual relations only for marriage.

I searched high and low to find a similar instance in scripture but found nothing about this. If you truly have not had sex with husband #2 then you may get an annulment but I believe there is a time limit on that according to the state. You may want to check into that time limit. Also, understand that husband #2 may say anything he wants to stay married to you. He can say you did consummate the marriage. You may have a battle on your hands.

This is what happens when we hastily jump into marriage without a care, we have to face the consequences of our rash behavior. I also want to add that if you were not married already, I would have a totally different view and counsel based on principle in scripture, but since you already have a husband, our counsel is going to reflect on that marriage according to what scripture teaches us on that.

Realize though, if you want to honor God with your life and your marriage, and you get an annulment to spouse #2 because the marriage was not consummated, then you are not free to remarry according to scripture because you are still married to spouse #1. But you could restore your marriage to your first spouse. Restoration of marriage is Godís will.

And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the LORD. Let not the wife depart from her husband: But if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

Here are a couple of videos you might find helpful and encouraging.

Jesus on Divorce and Remarriage: Husband Tricked Wife Into Marrying Him

IN this video Angie and Frank talk about the biblical teachings on marriage and divorce. In this instance a woman wants to know if she can divorce her husband because he said he was a Christian during the dating process but after marriage she found out otherwise. The truth is there is no divorcing our first spouse. The marriage contract is the only contract that cannot be dissolved.

Forgive Cheating Spouse After Adultery
In this video we talk about how important it is for your own spiritual well being to forgive the repentant adulterer. Forgiveness is for you mostly because it frees your mind and heart from bitterness and resentment.

Biblically Speaking, Can I Divorce my Alcoholic Spouse
What does the bible say about divorce? Living with and loving an alcoholic spouse can be difficult. This is why we have written several ebooks on alcoholism to help you detach and love the alcoholic.

God Bless!

In Christ,

Angie and Frank

Heaven Ministries ~ Marriage Healing Ministry

Heaven Ministries ~ Scriptural Romance in Preparation to Marriage


Heaven Ministries Marriage Healing Videos

Heaven Ministries Family and Health Videos


Defining Adultery Is Knowing You Are 
Committing Adultery


How do we go about defining adultery except to say that it is morally wrong and it is a sin according to God? When we live our lives as if there is no God there will be consequences. I donít say this scripture does. Many people donít stop to realize that they create negative consequences in their life by making the wrong choices. Whole marriages and families are ruined by one adulterous act.  This is why Jesus said to NOT even look at another with feelings of lust because our attitude of lust will lead to adultery eventually.

An example of this is seen in how we live our marriage.  Instead of living our marriage by the One who created it, many of us manage our marriage through our own understanding. And that is why we donít see the blessings!  Today there are so many people suffering from adulterous marriages and they just donít get it! They donít understand why they are suffering? Many of these marriages suffer greatly under the affects of adultery by a spouse. When a spouse commits adultery it takes a forgiving heart to get past the hurt and pain that it can cause.

There are three ways adultery can be defined in a marriage. The number one way is when a spouse has sex with another person other than who they are married to.  The second way, which most people donít know about, is by remarriage when their first marriage spouse is still living.  Scripture is very clear on this; it is stated four different times in the bible. Some Christians are living in adultery because they remarried while their first spouse still lives.

Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery. (Luke 16:18) 

And thirdly when two people are in a de facto cohabitation marriage and one has sex with someone outside of this de facto marriage. According to God two people who live together and are having sex are married. You may not be married to the state because there is no record of the marriage, but God sees the record of your marriage in the way you live. Look at Adam and Eve! Did they have a record of their marriage? God considers a man and a woman married when they (1.) leave parents. (2.) promise to each other by living together, and (3.) by consummation of the relationship.

If we want to save our marriage there is only one thing we must do when a spouse commits the sin of adultery. We must make God the most important part of our life so we can have a forgiving heart. The truth is it is not a new spouse we need when our spouse commits adultery; itís a new perspective on life. We need to receive a new heart and mind. The bottom line is we need healed!! And God is our healer! A new spouse canít heal our soul. Only God can wipe away our past, purify our minds and make us new people in Christ for righteous and peaceful living in the kingdom of heaven.

How many of us choose to live our marriage under our own wisdom and understanding and then expect to be forgiven by Christís loving grace for making wrong lifestyle choices according to that understanding? I mean think about this. If we donít have the faith to live as Christ-ones then who are we living for? Adultery is a sin to God and sincere repentance is a must so we can be forgiven. And forgiveness only comes when we stop living the sin of adultery!

The point is we have to consciously and willingly put in the effort to walk with God in His kingdom of heaven by discontinuing the adultery. We should not minimize sin in our lives, or justify reasons why God wonít mind if we do something that leads to sin or is sinful behavior. We need to stop deceiving ourselves!

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, not thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

I truly donít know what else to say about adultery except look at your life and see where you may have erred. God gives us free will to do as we please now because he wants us to choose Him over our desires. He wants us to choose Him over our desire to be unfaithful in our marriage; He wants us to choose Him over the pleasures and desires of this world. Only when we die to these things and choose God will we be free from sins hold on us and be the whole and happy people God created us to be. We need to find our way back on the path that leads to God! There is no other way.

I believe full-heartedly that to make the right choices means waiting on God to guide us in His wisdom. We have to put our lives in His hands, which means we NEED to walk in faith and in Godly wisdom and understanding, and that means we may have to suffer for doing what is right. God loves us greatly and wants us to choose Him, but that does not mean we will never suffer again. On the contrary it is through our suffering that we grow more faithful and wise in Him. Donít let sin take a hold of your life, give your burdens to God and let Him heal your soul!

Is Remarriage Adultery?

How To Forgive And Love A Cheating Spouse

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