Communicating Feelings Is Beneficial To Intimacy


Ask Angie: What do you do when your husband says he wants a close relationship, but continually has a negative attitude, and is quick to become angry? I am getting so discouraged in my marriage.

Your feelings are certainly understandable. When someone says one thing and then does the opposite, it can be frustrating and confusing. Communicating our feelings is the most beneficial way to get intimate with the one we love.

The quick answer to your dilemma is to get to the bottom of it…and quickly! You’re not going to know why your husband becomes easily angered or why he carries around a negative attitude until the both of you sit down and communicate your feelings with each other.

Let’s stop looking at our spouse for a moment and let’s concentrate on ourselves. Do you think that perhaps we also have a negative attitude and don’t know it? Could it be that we are getting our self so concerned with what our spouse is doing and how they feel that we don’t notice our own behavior?

Many times couples think they are communicating, but in actuality they aren’t communicating at all, and this eventually causes couples to grow further and further apart.

Productive communication is not about asking them “why” they feel a certain way because they don’t want to be interrogated, they want to be loved and or simply left alone. Productive communication is not about finger-pointing, name calling, or blaming either, so get those out of the communication equation.

Wrong communication: “Why are you so angry all the time.”

Wrong communication: “You always have a negative attitude.”

Wrong communication:  “What is wrong with you?”

When you communicate with your spouse talk about how you feel about something that will provide a positive reaction from them. Becoming too inquisitive about their feelings or blaming them is not good communication. 

Proper communication: “I’m sorry you feel angry right now,”

Proper communication: “I hope that your cheer up soon”.

Proper communication:  “I’m open to talk about it when you are ready.”

The key to good communication is to get them to trust you and feel comfortable talking with you. And you do that by talking about yourself. Bring your vulnerability out in the open first, and they will most likely take your lead. Be humble and kind, even if you are bickering.

Quarrelling can be beneficial for marriage, but you’ve got to quarrel right. Talk about how you have failed in certain areas of the marriage and are going to work on your part of the marriage.  Don’t talk about them and what they need to do.  By talking about yourself and what you can do for the marriage is how you influence your husband to talk about “why” he is angry and has a bad attitude.

Couples are so concerned with the behavior of each other, that they don’t notice their own negative behavior and how it is affecting their spouse and marriage. Pretty soon someone else gives them attention and praise that they weren’t getting at home, and they give in to that attention by having affairs. This is how affairs begin.

Did you know that some couples never learn the proper ways to communicate with one another? They lose touch with each other and pretty soon, no one is getting their needs met and both become unhappy. Is it any wonder there is so much emotional and physical infidelity, separation and divorce? Marriage can’t survive without productive actions from both husband and wife. They must be willing to give a piece of themselves for the sake of their spouse, even if it hurts. Do you see what I’m saying here?

Right now you’re discouraged about what is happening in your marriage. What about your husband? Do you think he is discouraged too? Maybe he is discouraged about not being close with his wife. Perhaps he wants to find intimate time with his wife, but for some reason it’s not happening. Instead, negative emotions are coming into play. You both are pulling away from each other because of your attitudes. It’s not going to get any better if you both think each other is the problem to the problems.

The best thing to do at this point is to resolve the rift between the two of you before either one of you become tempted. Express yourself to your husband about how you feel. Let him know that you feel discouraged and frustrated about the lack of intimacy and that you want to work on the marriage with him. Let your husband know that you want to be there for him, and be the loving wife God wants you to be. 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)

This is all you can do. Well it’s not all you can do. You can complain and become angry yourself, or you can argue, nag and plead with your husband to stop being negative. Or you can try and change him to be what you want him to be.  Or you can continue to put a rift between the two of you. Or…

You can do your part in the marriage and allow your husband to do his. You have your responsibilities and he has his. You can’t feel for your husband and you can’t do his part in the marriage. He must be ready to fulfill his responsibilities in the marriage on his own terms, not on yours. 

If both husband and wife were taking care of themselves and their responsibilities in the marriage, there wouldn’t be problems to begin with. If you really work at communicating properly, through self-expression, it gives you both a chance to fulfill each other’s needs is a much better way.  And intimacy will come back into the marriage.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)


Love, Intimacy, and Communication 
in Marriage