Communicating Feelings Is Beneficial To Intimacy
Ask Angie: What do you do when your
husband says he wants a close relationship, but continually has a
negative attitude, and is quick to become angry? I am getting so
discouraged in my marriage.
Your feelings are
certainly understandable. When someone says one thing and then does the
opposite, it can be frustrating and confusing. Communicating our
feelings is the most beneficial way to get intimate with the one we
The quick answer
to your dilemma is to get to the bottom of it…and quickly! You’re
not going to know why your husband becomes easily angered or why he
carries around a negative attitude until the both of you sit down and
communicate your feelings with each other.
looking at our spouse for a moment and let’s concentrate on ourselves.
Do you think that perhaps we also have a negative attitude and don’t
know it? Could it be that we are getting our self so concerned with what
our spouse is doing and how they feel that we don’t notice our own
couples think they are communicating, but in actuality they aren’t
communicating at all, and this eventually causes couples to grow further
and further apart.
communication is not about asking them “why” they feel a certain way
because they don’t want to be interrogated, they want to be loved and
or simply left alone. Productive communication is not about
finger-pointing, name calling, or blaming either, so get those out of
the communication equation.
communication: “Why are you so angry all the time.”
communication: “You always have a negative attitude.”
communication: “What is
wrong with you?”
communicate with your spouse talk about how you feel about something
that will provide a positive reaction from them. Becoming too
inquisitive about their feelings or blaming them is not good
communication: “I’m sorry you feel angry right now,”
communication: “I hope that your cheer up soon”.
open to talk about it when you are ready.”
The key to good
communication is to get them to trust you and feel comfortable talking
with you. And you do that by talking about yourself. Bring your
vulnerability out in the open first, and they will most likely take your
lead. Be humble and kind, even if you are bickering.
be beneficial for marriage, but you’ve got to quarrel right. Talk
about how you have failed in certain areas of the marriage and are going
to work on your part of the marriage.
Don’t talk about them and what they need to do.
By talking about yourself and what you can do for the marriage is
how you influence your husband to talk about “why” he is angry and
has a bad attitude.
Couples are so
concerned with the behavior of each other, that they don’t notice
their own negative behavior and how it is affecting their spouse and
marriage. Pretty soon someone else gives them attention and praise that
they weren’t getting at home, and they give in to that attention by
having affairs. This is how affairs begin.
Did you know that
some couples never learn the proper ways to communicate with one
another? They lose touch with each other and pretty soon, no one is
getting their needs met and both become unhappy. Is it any wonder there
is so much emotional and physical infidelity, separation and divorce?
Marriage can’t survive without productive actions from both husband
and wife. They must be willing to give a piece of themselves for the
sake of their spouse, even if it hurts. Do you see what I’m saying
Right now you’re
discouraged about what is happening in your marriage. What about your
husband? Do you think he is discouraged too? Maybe he is discouraged
about not being close with his wife. Perhaps he wants to find intimate
time with his wife, but for some reason it’s not happening. Instead,
negative emotions are coming into play. You both are pulling away from
each other because of your attitudes. It’s not going to get any better
if you both think each other is the problem to the problems.
The best thing to
do at this point is to resolve the rift between the two of you before
either one of you become tempted. Express yourself to your husband about
how you feel. Let him know that you feel discouraged and frustrated
about the lack of intimacy and that you want to work on the marriage
with him. Let your husband know that you want to be there for him, and
be the loving wife God wants you to be.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)
This is all you
can do. Well it’s not all you can do. You can complain and become
angry yourself, or you can argue, nag and plead with your husband to
stop being negative. Or you can try and change him to be what you want
him to be. Or you can continue to put a rift between the two of you. Or…
You can do your
part in the marriage and allow your husband to do his. You have your
responsibilities and he has his. You can’t feel for your husband and
you can’t do his part in the marriage. He must be ready to fulfill his
responsibilities in the marriage on his own terms, not on yours.
If both husband
and wife were taking care of themselves and their responsibilities in
the marriage, there wouldn’t be problems to begin with. If you really
work at communicating properly, through self-expression, it gives you
both a chance to fulfill each other’s needs is a much better way.
And intimacy will come back into the marriage.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)
Intimacy, and Communication