|Marriage Alive! Newsletter|
God made them male and female for a reason. 1) To give and receive sexual pleasure in marriage. 2) To bear children for the Lord. 3) To compliment one another in marriage. 4) To show the example of Christ and the church—marriage is the living symbol of Christ and the church. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. He nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. (Ephesians 5: 28-29) And this is the way marriage should be.
How to Forgive and Love a Cheating Spouse
As Christians are we supposed to forgive a cheating spouse? If your spouse is repentant it is our duty to forgive our spouse. Jesus gave us a good example of this forgiveness when he told everyone who was without sin to drop their stones and to not stone the woman to death.
He forgave the adulterous woman. But what did Jesus say to the woman? He said 'turn from your sin and sin no more'. True repentance is not letting sin control our thoughts, minds, hearts, and souls. True repentance means putting away the sin which is keeping us from God, and becoming reborn in Jesus Christ and becoming a new person for service to God according to His purpose for us.
This ebook will help you to forgive, it will show you how to heal your self and restore your marriage after your spouse has committed adultery. To read more about this book, click here.
Living frugal, happy and free is our new self sufficiency blog where we will upload information videos and short articles on healthy cooking, gardening, natural health, self sufficiency, and home improvement. The video below is our newest video on how to build a mini greenhouse or cold frame using discarded building materials.
Ok, so you read about all the signs of a cheating
spouse. You have obsessed greatly over the cheating spouse for months now,
unable to take care of anything else. You have accessed online chat logs;
cell phone records and searched high and low for social network passwords.
And you have a pretty good idea that your spouse is cheating, so now what
do you do?
What I am about to tell you may alarm some of you
because it goes against everything else you have read. But knowing that your spouse is cheating is not the core issue
here. Although, of course it is a problem because it hurts deeply to know
your spouse is cheating, and you can’t seem to shake off the images of
your spouse with someone else, but the main issue here is what is in the
heart of the cheater? Why would your spouse, who claims to be a Christian,
cheat? That seems odd? How
does that happen?
First off let me tell you that you are not alone.
Thousands of alleged Christians, who go to church, raise families and seem
like good people are cheating on their spouses. What is going on with
Christianity in society today? I’ll tell you what is going on through
what has already been foretold in scripture. God knew that in the last
days there would be scoffers and mockers of the Word. Most
Christians today listen to the Word of God being preached to thm and, they
read about it, but they don’t do what it says!
Understand that “going to church” does not mean
that a person has a personal growing relationship with Jesus Christ. Going
to church does not mean we are saved. Going to church does not mean we are
automatically given Christ’s grace when we sin. And going to church does
not mean we are faithful people or even believe in Jesus Christ as our
personal Savior. Unfortunately, there are some people go to church to
appease their spouses, or to look good to friends, family and neighbors.
And some people are even convinced that just by going to church saves
But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken
before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ; How that they told you
there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own
ungodly lusts. These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not
the Spirit. (Jude 18-19)
A Sincere Christian has the Spirit of Christ
within him or her and therefore they will have a difficult time doing
anything against the standards of God, unless they have backslid, which is
also talked about in scripture. If your cheating spouse is truly repentant
of the sin they committed against the marriage they will seek redemption
and forgiveness, and turn away from the sin and sin no more. They will
truly want to walk in the ways of Jesus Christ and do God’s will! But,
if your spouse is not truly repentant but is just putting on a good show
for you then they will eventually cheat again and again and again.
Christianity is a lifestyle and is shown in how a
person lives their life. Those who have sex outside of their marriage
are not Christian. Scripture lets us know a lot about scoffers and mockers
because these types are filled with worldliness, pride, lust, and greed.
They may not go around mocking or scoffing at God’s Word out loud in
public, but in their heart they don’t do what God says. They live by
their own standards and understanding. By their fruits ye shall know them.
FROM whence come wars and fighting’s among you?
Come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust,
and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and
war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask and receive not, because
ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts: Ye adulterers and
adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with
God. Whosever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.
The bottom line is Christians want to be pampered in
their Christianity and they justify reasons how their sinning lifestyle
somehow fits into scripture. But the truth of the matter is, no matter how
terrible it sounds, those who are not walking in the ways of Christ will
not inherit the kingdom of heaven. When we live as if there is no Creator
or Spirit of Christ we do ourselves a huge injustice. We should stop
deceiving ourselves and get right with God before it is too late.
Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather
grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth
forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good
tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree
bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is
hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know
them. (Luke 6:43-44)
Did your Christian spouse cheat? Are they repentant? Heal the wounds from Adultery! Find out more about healing here.
Most spouses and loved ones of addicts, that have not
helped themselves, do feel resentment and anger. They feel resentful for
taking care of the alcoholic. They feel resentful for taking the brunt of
the abusive behaviors that come with addiction. They feel resentful
because they are spending their days worrying about the alcoholic.
Understand that you are not alone. When you learn to detach with love it
will release a huge burden from you spiritually and emotionally.
1. Realize that Alcoholism is Not Your Problem or
When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s behaviors
you at once stop allowing the addiction to control you. The truth is most
loved ones of addicts are preoccupied with the addicts behaviors. In other
words, they allow the behaviors of the addict to consume their thoughts
day in and day out and it makes them sick with the addict. No wonder you
feel resentful—you don’t have a life when you consume yourself with
the addict’s behaviors!
The only time we would want to interfere with the
alcoholic is if they are hurting themselves or someone else. Know the
difference. We have to interfere if they are going to get into a car and
drive drunk. We will have to interfere if they are emotionally abusing any
children in the home. These things are a must, but we don’t have to
enable the addiction or rescue them from the problems they create while
drinking and being drunk.
2. Don’t Blame Yourself
Loved ones sometimes indirectly blame themselves for
the addiction. This happens because the alcoholic has abusive tirades
where they continually blame their spouse or other close loved ones for
their unhappiness. But it’s not true! Alcoholics are alcoholics because
they chose to take that first drink and they are responsible for what they
do while intoxicated. Once you give them back the addiction they are more
apt to come out from denial and seek help. Alcoholics can get sober but
THEY have to be willing.
3. Stop Trying to Control the Addiction or Fix the
Loved ones and spouses think they can somehow control
the amount of alcohol the alcoholic drinks, or they think they can somehow
get them to stop drinking altogether. This is nonsensical. You are
completely powerless to control the alcoholic or the addiction. But
you can control how you react to the alcoholic’s behaviors. Be
good to yourself and don’t let the abuse destroy your emotional and
spiritual well being.
You can’t fix the alcoholic—they can only fix
themselves. The more you enable and rescue the alcoholics problems, that
they have created while drinking, the more they will be consumed within
the addiction—in essence, you the enabler, are helping them drink! The
best way to help the alcoholic or addict is to do nothing. Don’t react
to the abuse and don’t enable and rescue.
4. Don’t Give up and Don’t Get Discouraged
We have control over what we do, what we say, and how
we react to the addiction. We can control our own thoughts, actions and
behaviors towards the alcoholic and towards ourselves. We can choose to
continue doing those things that make us happy while praying for the
recovery of our loved one. We must learn to let “it” go and give it to
God. God gives us the peace we need to live with and love the alcoholic.
5. Get Educated About Alcoholism
The more we understand about alcoholism the easier it
is for us to handle each and every situation that comes up with the
alcoholic. I cannot say how important it is to get yourself educated about
all the aspects of alcoholism because it will make or break your sanity in
the long run. ALANON, a group that helps spouses learn to detach, is an
excellent way to begin your education because you will realize you are not
alone in how you feel and there are others who are going through exactly
what you are. You don’t have to feel resentful or bitter about the
addiction or alcoholic any longer.
Abusing our spouse with our emotions is something that some married couples do to each other for a myriad of reasons. What most verbal abusers don’t realize is they are allowing their negative emotions to control them in the wrong way. This nasty behavior will never rectify itself if the abused continually believe they don’t have a role in the abuse, and if the abuser never gets a hold of their emotions. There are several ways in which one can emotionally abuse, but for this article we are talking about abuse that is verbal.
Naturally, as emotional people, most of us use our emotions to try and get a point across, or to change someone, or to get a need fulfilled. But we need to be careful because when we use our emotions improperly it leads to “emotional verbal abuse”. The solution to this common problem between couples is to learn how to communicate emotions productively rather than destructively.
What is Emotional / Verbal Abuse
Emotional, verbal abuse is the act of not communicating feelings properly. Verbal abuse always comes with feelings of anger, frustration, and or resentment. The verbal abuser will continue to abuse with words until they get their emotions in check. Believe it or not, this is essentially how many people communicate their frustrations. We all need to look at ourselves and see if we are being emotionally abusive in any way with those we are supposed to be loving.
When a husband or wife becomes emotionally abusive it means they feel discontented and needy in the marriage. When roles and positions are confused, husbands and wives abuse each other in the marriage because needs cannot get met when neither are accepting their God-given roles that are designed by God. They belittle, boss, demand, demean, control, accuse, finger point, call names and manipulate each other with words to try and make some sense out of the discontent they are feeling.
Abusing one another with words is not going to solve the problem of neediness in the marriage. Only when couples learn to talk with each other in calmness, without accusations and demands will problems of discontent actually get solved.
Can Verbal Abuse Lead to Physical Abuse?
Common sense dictates that verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse. Anytime we use our frustrations and anger improperly it can lead to almost anything. When we do not know how to express ourselves properly we will express ourselves in other ways, such as crying, running away, screaming, accusing, demanding, explosive tirades, and sometimes with hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, biting and scratching.
But in general, rarely does emotional abuse turn into violence. Why? Most verbal abusers are discontented and frustrated, not angry. Anger is violence and anger of the heart will eventually lead to violent behavior with others or with self. The frustration and discontent that most verbal abusers feel is not getting needs met or thinking that needs are not getting met. It is not so much anger but frustration coupled with the lack of how to express themselves, hence comes emotional abuse.
What Can I Do About Verbal Abuse
Help for the Abused
1) Listen to your spouse, even if they are emotionally abusing you. Listen to what they are saying. Then take a look at yourself and ask yourself honestly “am I doing that”? “Am I not filling this need like my spouse says”? “What can I do differently to be a better wife/husband”? “How can I help them to help themselves”?
2) Detach from the emotional abuse. Leave the room. Go for a walk. Do whatever it takes to not allow the garbage into your emotions. Only after you honestly find that the abuser has no justification for their behavior is when you should learn to detach from the emotional abuse.
3) Be a good example through proper self-expression and communication when you talk with your spouse. Let them see with their eyes and hear with their ears just how proper self-expression should be. You are the example. Show, don’t tell.
4) Pray for your spouse. When one spouse prays for the other God will listen and give you the answers and guidance you need. Be patient and listen.
Help for the Verbal Abuser
1) Learn to release your feelings properly. For an example, instead of demanding that your spouse change for you, or do something for you that you feel is being neglected, talk nicely with your spouse. If you have a need that you think is being neglected by your spouse do you really think that being demanding or controlling is going to get that need met? I honestly don’t think so. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
2) Get a grip on your emotions. Then calmly express your feelings, letting your spouse know what you want and need. No one likes to be married to a tyrant or a complainer. If you verbally abuse your spouse because of deep-seated anger then I highly suggest you do something about it before you regret hurting your spouse more than just emotionally.
3) Never demand, accuse, finger-point, nag, complain, belittle, debase, or minimize your spouse to get what you want because these things do not work! You are in control when it comes to talking to your spouse about getting your needs met, but you become out of control when you verbally abuse them with nasty words!
4) Bring God into your life and sincerely ask Him to help you with your angry emotions. God is our Healer! If you faithfully allow God to direct your life then He will help you deal with your anger issues in productive ways. God wants what is best for you. Only when we give up control of our heavy-laden emotions can we truly love others in the right ways, which will eventually get our needs met!!
The bottom line is proper and productive communication between couples takes individual effort through patience, understanding, compromise, and selflessness. Couples can get so much accomplished in marriage by building each other up rather than tearing each other down. Learn to express yourselves better with each other by putting aside one hour each day for each other. Make this a time for intimate conversation and self- expression. What do you need? What do you want? Get rid of the vinegar and start using more honey.Is it ok to disagree with your spouse? Of course it is, but there is a right way to disagree that is not abusive. http://youtu.be/L_SxOi-TToQ
Have a Blessed Day!
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