Marriage Alive Newsletter
Forgiving An Unfaithful Spouse
It seems difficult to forgive when
our spouse has been unfaithful. But that's just it, we are so intent
that WE have been wronged by our spouse that we WANT restitution at
all costs and this of course is completely understandable. We have
been hurt deeply by the unfaithfulness of our spouse and justify our
own bad behavior by making ourselves the victim of our spouses sin.
But who really is the victim here? We are only a victim when we make
our self FEEL that way, and then react on those feelings.
When a spouse is unfaithful, it usually goes something like this. First the idea to be unfaithful is imagined in the mind. Secondly it is mediated on with vivid scenes and great clarity. Thirdly, adultery somehow becomes justified because of wayward thinking, and cultural influences. Finally the act of adultery is actually carried out in the physical sense. Usually, but not all the time, the offender feels guilty about what they have done and they do not do it again. In either way, the adulterer has not asked for the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help them turn away from tempting and enticing situations. Either way, they do not know that Jesus is alive in them or they just do not care. This will be discussed later on in this newsletter.
Our initial feelings and reaction
over a cheating spouse is first anger followed by hurt. Anger can come
in many forms, but the degree of anger and what we do with that anger
depends upon our own mental wellness and spiritual self within. The
ability to even understand how to forgive such a devastating act of
adultery can be found through the heart, mind, and soul of a person
that has been tended by the Holy Spirit.
First of all, realize this, the ability to forgive does not stand with us alone. We do not have the power to fully understand how to forgive our spouse when they have been unfaithful. We think we do and so we forgive superficially. This way of forgiving can keep us feeling burdened by the hurt of the offense. And too, if we don't forgive properly, our mates offense will continually pop up in our minds and our feelings will make us want to lash back out to the unfaithful partner with more hurt, over and over again. I call this "attachment to the sin" of another. We feel like this because we have made the sin a part of who we are. This sort of thinking can even make the blameless partner feel as if they are at fault for the sin.
If the nature of the sin constantly makes us feel emotionally drained, damaged and burdened at any time, then we have made ourselves a part of that sin. Feelings such as this keep us from forgiving in its entirety. We have made ourselves the victim to the sin. This is how emotions control how we are going to behave. When our emotions control us to such an extent, we remain in confusion, agony and pain. With our feelings hindered like this and the lack of spirituality, we cannot manage when trouble knocks on the marriage door. It is only after we humble our selfish self to God can we actually understand and then utilize the power of the Holy Spirit and then use it as our guide.
You see, if we have not yet acknowledged the realm of God's world and are lacking in the knowledge of God's goodness, we through our own will and understanding, allow our thinking patterns to take charge. But what do we know? We know our negative feelings! That's what we know. We might remain bitter, selfish, lonely and unhappy in these unhealthy emotions that tell us how to behave. We are bankrupt spiritually!
Our minds must know the Truth of
Everything that Jesus did for us and we must allow our self to be
guided by that Truth so we can look beyond selfishness and become
loving people. We absolutely need to have the knowledge of God within
ourselves so we can understand how to communicate freely with our
spouse and to not carry the mistakes of sinful weakness throughout the
It is our own selfishness that keeps us from tolerating the Truth of wisdom and knowledge into the marriage. We are so proud that we don't want to let our guard down, not even for a minute. Even if that means submitting to God and all that He has to offer. Some of us in marriage probably aren't even sure of all that God has to offer and so continue down the path of marriage self-destruction.
But it will only be the power of
the Spirit of God, who can intervene and guide us in our heart and
mind properly so we can forgive our spouse with completeness. But we
aren't sure of how to attain the heights of God, His word, or
According to the scripture above here is what it means, the rain is the unfaithful spouse. The swelling streams are the feelings and attitudes we hold in our heart and mind about the sin. The wind blowing hard is how we deal with the problem of unfaithfulness in our marriage. Did your house crash?
Some of us may not know how the Holy Spirit works. The Holy Spirit is our blessing and gift from God that we, as His children receive when we share ourselves with Him. When we give up our selfish ego to God, He will in return gives us the gift of how to love, how to hope, how to have faith, and how to forgive. When we act on His instructions we are allowing the power of the Holy Spirit to take over in our marriage and life and we are submitting to His will for us.
When your marriage and life seem
chaotic, rest in this Truth: Jesus is Lord, and God is in control. The
Holy Spirit is God's seal that we belong to Him and his deposit
guaranteeing that He will do what He has promised. The presence of the
Holy Spirit within us demonstrates the genuineness of our Faith, and
proves that we are God's children and secures eternal life for us. His
power works in us to transform and change us now, and what we
experience now is just a taste of the total change we will experience
in eternity. Jesus Christ is our model, and the more we know of Him,
the more we will be like Him.
It doesn't need to be the end of
your marriage because a spouse has been unfaithful. On the contrary it
it time to nurture, cultivate, and cherish the marriage even more. It
is time to start plucking out the unpleasant weeds to make room for
tender new seedlings. In a Christ centered marriage, seedlings grow
into magnificent flowers.
You see, God already had a plan for marriage. He started it and with His knowledge, it will grow. When we change that plan through our selfish desires we are in rebellion to the Truth. Come out of the worldly nature of things and enter into the realm of love, hope, forgiveness and faith, where Jesus is waiting to share Himself with your marriage.
Forgiving means to LET IT GO! You should not continue to base your marriage upon the acts of weakness. This will only harbor more harmful and destructive behavior and eventually cause more problems in the spiritual health of both of you. When we do not forgive properly, we end up supporting the marriage upon the sin of unfaithfulness, which will cease proper communication between you and your spouse.
When we do not contemplate God for
our source and do not realize the power of Him who created us to make
everything good and hopeful again, we are lost souls. In
desperation we obtain a divorce over such things as an unfaithful
spouse. But this is not necessary?!
The unfaithful partner cannot go on sinning in the marriage. Jesus has given us the power to give up our selfish desires and follow His path towards forgiveness and loving unselfishly.
If you have been unfaithful or have
anything else pulling you away from your marriage, ask Jesus Christ
for forgiveness and ask Him to help you in the future with
understanding why you are tempted. Jesus will help you replace
incorrect thoughts with ones that guide your life closer to Him. If
you are having a tough time in your marriage, ask God to help you with
these troubles-whatever they be. Jesus wants you to lean on Him
through all your trials and tribulations. If you stay steadfast in
prayer and seeking, in time, you will understand how to give more of
yourself to your family instead of giving away a part of your
self to strangers and those who are probably only using you.
If you are willing to give up all transgressions and begin living in Him and for Him, you will be forgiven. Through His death, Jesus has paid the price to release us from the bondage of sin. We are forgiven on the basis of the suffering and physical death of Jesus Christ. Acceptance of this Truth and the willingness to give up sin and rely on Jesus Christ for our new way of living is God's will for us.
If your spouse is willing to give up the sin, forgive and work out problems now with the prospect of a new lease on the marriage-start over anew and embrace all that you have been blessed with in your present situation and hold on to what you have. Base all love and actions upon the character of Jesus Christ. Ask Him from your heart and you shall receive.
Marriage is tough! There is no
disagreement there. The ability to accept, forgive and love must be
honored and cherished everyday. That is, we are to honor who
are spouse is and their position in the marriage and stop looking at,
analyzing, reviewing, and basing the marriage upon their faults and
weakness. With God's guidance, we learn to humble our ego's and see
beyond the weakness of our spouse and learn to forgive them with the
loving kindness that if they are remorseful for their actions, deserve
from you as their spouse. For what else can we do? Should we continue
to blame, deny and destroy something that with only the right attitude
and submission to God can make right and good again.
You see, the knowledge we receive from God by reading and studying His word is The Wisdom and The Wisdom we receive is Knowledge. Through Knowledge and Wisdom, if we continue to grow and accept the word, we eventually acquire faith in all that is now not seen. Without faith in the great Truth of God, we have nothing to base our marriage upon. We base our marriage upon negative things, such as the failures of each other because we are negative in our mind and thoughts. These negative thoughts base our actions in the marriage and remain in our heart and mind.
A marriage is only as strong as its foundation. The groundwork for our lives is adopting the character of Jesus Christ; He is the support which holds up the marriage when under pressure. Everything we are and everything we do must fit into the pattern provided by Him.
Right now we understand, but we have not comprehended the deepness and reality of it all. Is it only a fairy tale, like Lord of the Rings or Alice in wonderland? Are we treating it as if it were a fairytale?
In other words, when we do not have
God's knowledge or just don't care about it, we will conduct our self
in marriage under the will of our selfish self. Our beliefs and
code of ethics revolve around the source of what we believe in. This
is a very personal part of who we are and is about our relationship
with Jesus Christ.
We certainly cannot expect to be saved and continue doing wrong, if we say we are new people in Christ. We ought to base our life and actions upon our new loving and giving self-and become the transformation of the new person. The old person died; died to the bondage and slavery of the sinful nature!!
If you are married and your house
is standing on the foundation of Jesus Christ, and if your heart is
steadfast and faithful in the Lord, you have then made the choice to
become what it is you are. That could be a someone who relies upon the
wisdom of God and the knowledge uncovered rather than the
understanding of self.
In marriage if and when problems
arise and we take the path that basis desires on what is good and
right, the marriage remains unwavering and growing in the Lord. The
Holy Spirit, the Spirit that Jesus Christ left us after He went back
to the Father, is our guiding light and hope to turn our hearts and
minds appropriately toward Him.
Forgiveness needs to be attained in its entirety to rebuild the relationship to its full potential. The erring spouse needs to have a willingness to cease in their weakness and ask God for forgiveness. Sharing positive attributes and thoughts about one another needs to be expressed and acceptance of each other must be adhered to. Biblical study and searching for the knowledge of Truth needs to be diligently sought after by both parties, while trying to maintain a stable and Spiritual based union. Time, and experiencing the actions of one another will bring back the trust that was tampered with. It will not happen over night, but by showing each other willingness to trust God and to put Him first in your own life shows your spouse what your true intentions are for the marriage. This gives them the notice of your commitment in the marriage and boosts their willingness to try harder also.
Positions, roles and
duties from both of you need to be talked out, and even be put on
paper so each spouse knows what his responsibilities in the marriage
are. These positions must be respected and honored, otherwise you may
not take your role in the marriage with seriousness. Each of us needs
reassurance from time to time, so we can continue doing good and
trying to do what's right for our spouse and the marriage.
Closing The Door To Temptation
Because the only perfect human being, without sin was Jesus Christ, the non- spiritual individual EASILY becomes enticed into the culture and becomes one with it. It is never too late to come out from hell and ask Jesus Christ for forgiveness of sins. That means the heart and mind does not hold on to the sin and allow it to control you. If you are weak in a certain area and feel it is controlling your actions, then you have not let it go from your mind. Temptations are strong and coaxing, without the realization that it can be resolved through prayer and spiritual guidance, you'll probably remain in your sin. This is where faith comes in. God knows your heart and if you are willing to give up the weakness, He will help you overcome through the power of the Holy Spirit.
misconception of this society is that freedom means to do whatever we
want, even if it tempts us into sin. But real freedom is obeying God
and KNOWING WHAT NOT TO DO. People choose wrong
things in their life because they have become convinced that that
those things are good. Some sins do not even appear to be bad and
these kinds of sins are the hardest to avoid.
begin usually by seeing something that you want. If you are struggling
with tempting situations, the first thing to do is not to look.
That means do not seek it out, but rather, run from it if you
is our enemy! He will do anything he can to get us to follow his
wicked and deadly path. He works his evil deeds
through other people. The culture of this society has fallen into
Satanís trap. This is the deception that so many people have fallen
into. Most people do not realize they are working for Satan instead of
me tell you, if you have the knowledge of God and you obey His
commands, He will not let Satan touch you. This is what its all about.
Now that Eve has given the world knowledge to know the
difference between good and evil, which spirit are you going to
Copyright © 2004 Angie