Marriage
Alive! August/September
2002
Volume 1 issue 1 The Online
Newsletter of Love & Marriage
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To My ReadersArticles
Resources
Interview
With A Husband
A good marriage is like a casserole; only those responsible for it really know what goes in it. -- Anonymous |
Welcome to the online newsletter where you
will find fresh written articles and no annoying ads. Enjoy!
Learning to detach from things that are negative
in your marriage,
could very well be one of the most important decisions you make for
yourself and your loved ones. When a person detaches emotionally from their
partner, they aren’t detaching from love or from giving love, they
are detaching from the emotional negativities that cloud the heart and
mind. When we are clouded with such negative thoughts, we are unable
to see clearly to solve the issue and someone else’s problem becomes
our own. We end up living in misery. Sometimes when we become too attached to our
partner and their weakness’ we can’t distinguish our own
individuality from theirs. We don’t see
ourselves; therefore we can’t utilize what we have to offer.
Because of this we believe our partners weakness to be our own.
This is why we call the boss, when our partner can’t get out of bed
because of too much alcohol the night before. Or why we keep coming
back for more insults and criticism from our partner even though
we’re hurting terribly inside. Some of us get so carried away with the emotional
imbalances of others that we blame ourselves. Some wives actually
blame themselves when their husbands have affairs. No
one can really make someone else do something. The notion that one
partner is responsible for the acts of another is pure brainwash.
People do what they want to do and they are accountable for their
actions. If a wife says to her husband, “you made me do it because
of so and so,” it’s just an act of blaming on her part.
You see, if she can shift the blame of her actions onto her
husband it will make her look and feel like the perfect partner. If you are blamed for the acts of another, detach
with love by still being supportive. Tell your partner, “I don’t
believe it is my fault that you get drunk every night. From now on you
are responsible for your actions. If you want help for this disease, I
will be supportive, but until then you’re on your own.” This is
different then enabling immoral or destructive behavior. It’s
very destructive to the relationship when blaming goes on. If there is an addiction problem in the home,
just little things you say and do may be enabling him or her to
sustain their addiction. Such as putting them to
bed at night, instead of leaving them sprawled out on the hard floor.
Or lying to the children and making excuses to your family and friends
about the partner with the addiction. This is
assisting in your partner’s destructive behavior instead of being
supportive. To be supportive, you would tell them that next
time they pass out on the floor, you’re leaving them there. You
would explain to them that you love them (not the disease) so much
that you are going to leave them on the floor so they can see what
they’re doing to themselves. Sound mean? Well it’s not! This is
what your partner needs to help them out of the denial they are in.
And by detaching yourself emotionally from them, you will learn
to stop babying the addiction. To be supportive, you would tell your partner
that you’re leaving until they stop their destructive and
unproductive lifestyle. You would explain to them that their immoral
behavior is affecting the whole household and that you aren’t going
to make it everyone else’s’ problem anymore. Be
sure that this is what you want to do before you tell them. Once you
tell your partner your boundaries, you can’t go back. You
can’t call wolf and later expect them to believe you. So you must
carry out what you set out to accomplish. To be supportive you would stop lying to everyone
about your partner’s addiction. Remember, your partner’s problem
is not yours, unless you stop making it your problem and assuming
responsibility for it. Stop taking the
responsibility and start taking care of your self. Only then will your
partner wake up to their denial and get help. Enabling
behavior by you affirms the denial in the addicted person. If your partner often insults, criticizes or
defines your being and you allow this behavior, you are assisting them
to carry on with this harmful behavior. Don’t
allow your partner to destroy your spirit. Often
times they don’t even realize that they are doing this. Speak up for
yourself and set limits on how you’re partner may treat you. You
have every right to not allow emotional abuse of any kind from your
partner. If your partner finds fault and continually puts
you down, there are underlying issues that need to be dealt with. But
if you allow your partner to mistreat you this issue will never get
resolved. When you are glued to your partner and
believe you need them for everything is when that partner will
mistreat you. They sense your dependence upon them and therefore feel
secure knowing they can treat you anyway they want. Dependent
individuals never speak up for themselves-just sit there and agree
with the insults. Later they become resentful over
it and start believing that what their partner says about them is
true. You can stop emotional abuse by responding in an
assertive fashion while expressing your feelings and establishing
boundaries for those who trespass. By doing this on
a continual basis, you will come out from inside of yourself and start
becoming who you are, not what your partner says you are.
Let go of the emotional abuse of another by simply not allowing
it. People who are attached emotionally to another
are inside of themselves; don’t know themselves, and so take their
partners identity to take the place of their own hidden identity. You can stop emotional abuse by walking away from
it. When emotional abuse continues it is because it
is allowed to continue. Let your partner understand through your
actions, that what they say isn’t going to upset you anymore.
Don’t let your partner see you upset. Detach from that which is negative by learning to
express your feelings and expressing who you really are. Locking
feelings inside allows for others to make up your feelings for you.
Since you don’t talk, your partner will do it for you. When
your partner talks for you and defines you, it isn’t who you are,
but who they say you are. They are trespassing against you spirit.
When you voice your feelings instead of being the
timid mouse you have been, your partner will realize that you are an
individual, separate from them. How can they insult
and mistreat you when you have spoken up on behalf of yourself? They
can’t and that is when respect comes in. So the three things you can
do for yourself are to be assertive, express your feelings and set
boundaries for yourself. Your partner will appreciate you more for it.
Your spirit will grow and you will find yourself. Angie Lewis copyright2001 All
Rights Reserved
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Can a woman be independent and still submit to
her husband? Of course! Some of you might think it sounds insincere,
but it’s not. You might wonder, how you can maintain your
individuality and still surrender yourself to your husband’s
authority? Many women feel that when they surrender to their
husband’s authority, they will lose their independence. A mature independent woman can indeed maintain
her individuality and still submit to her husband’s authority in
spiritual matters. The only time a wife should think twice about not
honoring her husband in decision-making is when he is using the
scripture incorrectly to manipulate and coerce the relationship.
Unfortunately this does happen. How you can tell when it happens? A
Christ-Honoring man will not try and control his wife. He will not
demand that she do anything that would place her in a degrading,
dangerous or deprived situation. When a Divinely
inspired husband sets dreams and goals for his family, he does it
through what he feels in his heart is the will of God. The same
applies when a major decision needs to be fulfilled. If a husband becomes demanding because of his own
selfish reasons, then a wife need not submit to that kind of
authority. This is called “self-seeking”
authority for it comes from his own ideas and schemes, not from a
godly position and is used to manipulate and control a person and
relationship. If a man controls his wife with offensive or
otherwise, cruel channels just to get her to do something that she
feels is against the will of God, as she knows it, she should assert
herself right away to her husband by explaining her feelings on the
matter. Explain why you feel it is not what God would
want for the family. Set forth examples through
scripture. Let your husband understand that you aren’t demeaning his
decision, but that you don’t think it feels ethically constructive
to make this decision at this time. Challenge your husband to see if
he can figure out a new method of dealing with the issue instead of
you taking the lead and making the decision. Communicating feelings is so very important in
situations where decisions need to be made. Sometimes
other issues may be troubling your husband and his decision may not be
prudent or wise. Communicate why you might not
think a deciding issue to be wise and nine times out of ten, your
husband will agree. Expressing yourself properly to
your husband shows independence. He will be
grateful that you spoke up and explained yourself. An independent-minded Christian woman can sustain
her individuality and still be submissive to her husband’s
authority. Submission means to respect and honor the man you married.
How can respecting the man you married take independence away from
you? It can’t. When a Christian wife rebels
knowingly against the divine authority of her husband, she will also
be rebelling against the will of God. If a wife respects her husband, she is then able
to be independent. If a woman is independent and
knows who she is, she will respect her husband. A woman who
understands and loves herself will submit and respect her husband
through good times and bad. And a man will forever love his wife if
she respects him. What happens if there is a major decision to be made and both husband and wife are steering in different directions?First the wife should express her beliefs and
ideas about
Respect is recognizing and accepting your partner
for who they are. When we consider our partners
feelings by giving them room to be what God created them to become, we
are respecting our partner. Respect your partner and they will be more
productive and creative in the relationship. The marriage
will grow and you will be happier. The partner who
feels good about who they are is respected by their mate. Why is that?
We all need validation and there is no better person to feed our ego
then our partner. When our partner validates us, it
let’s us know that what we do and what we say is okay. If our
actions are okay, then we must be okay. But, you say that your partner must earn your
respect. What for? This is like saying, “I won’t forgive my
husband for having an affair-ever because I’m the victim here.”
If you feel you are the victim of circumstance,
ask yourself, “did I put myself into the position of being the
victim? If your husband had the affair, it seems to me that he would
be the victim, not you. You see we make ourselves victims by behaving
in ways as if we’re being victimized. But
essentially, what your husband did has nothing to do with you.
Any woman who loves her husband would feel awful
if her Husband was having an affair, but we can’t
allow ourselves to become victimized over it. If we feel victimized,
we become the victim. If a person believes that someone needs to
“earn” (do good by) respect, then that person feels like a victim
of circumstance. Otherwise they would be able to accept what is and
continue on with life instead of feeling victimized by others.
You will never be able to respect others if you feel like a
victim. Treat others the way you would like to be
treated is the old adage here. Using this concept in marriage
and putting it into action is how we begin to understand what it is
like to respect others and to be respected. Next time we feel disrespected or otherwise
insulted by our partner, let’s detach
from their negative emotions. Give it back to them
by walking away from it. Don’t accept what they are saying as real.
And don’t accept the role of victim and you won’t become the
victim. Q. What
is marriage?
A. God has
sanctified marriage.
God is the author of marriage.
If God is not the author of marriage,
who is? Is it your husband/wife or the state? If marriage
is just a contract between the marriage
couple and the state then anyone of these can dictate and or interfere
with how that marriage
is perceived and what it will become. Q. What do you think are the three main causes of divorce? A. It is in the nature of man/woman to try and find ways out of complex and painful situations. Each situation is unique and personal and depends on the couple’s relationship with their creator. In some situations there are circumstances where a person needs to detach. Q. Describe for me, what you think is the perfect marriage? A. I
can’t give you a blueprint of what the perfect marriage
would be. But in my eyes, the perfect marriage
model would be the institution resting on the foundation of God. In my
opinion a good marriage
is when both couples are mature enough to love their partner the way
they want to be loved and to treat their partner the way they want to
be treated. Q. What
do you think is the best part about marriage? A. Companionship.
Doing things together. Dear subscribers, I hope that you have enjoyed
your first newsletter. I will be adding some
interactive projects to the Heaven
Ministries marriage
web site as well. Don’t forget to save the site
to your bookmarks or favorites for easier downloading in the future. What would you like to see in the next issue of
‘Marriage
Alive?’
E-mail
me with your comments. Until next time! May your marriage
shine like the brightest star! Angie Lewis
Angie Lewis http://www.heavenministries.com/ copyright © 2002 All Rights Reserved |
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