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Learning to detach from things that are negative
in your marriage,
could very well be one of the most important decisions you make for
yourself and your loved ones.
When a person detaches emotionally from their
partner, they arenít detaching from love or from giving love, they
are detaching from the emotional negativities that cloud the heart and
mind. When we are clouded with such negative thoughts, we are unable
to see clearly to solve the issue and someone elseís problem becomes
our own. We end up living in misery.
Sometimes when we become too attached to our
partner and their weaknessí we canít distinguish our own
individuality from theirs. We donít see
ourselves; therefore we canít utilize what we have to offer.
Because of this we believe our partners weakness to be our own.
This is why we call the boss, when our partner canít get out of bed
because of too much alcohol the night before. Or why we keep coming
back for more insults and criticism from our partner even though
weíre hurting terribly inside.
Some of us get so carried away with the emotional
imbalances of others that we blame ourselves. Some wives actually
blame themselves when their husbands have affairs. No
one can really make someone else do something. The notion that one
partner is responsible for the acts of another is pure brainwash.
People do what they want to do and they are accountable for their
actions. If a wife says to her husband, ďyou made me do it because
of so and so,Ē itís just an act of blaming on her part.
You see, if she can shift the blame of her actions onto her
husband it will make her look and feel like the perfect partner.
If you are blamed for the acts of another, detach
with love by still being supportive. Tell your partner, ďI donít
believe it is my fault that you get drunk every night. From now on you
are responsible for your actions. If you want help for this disease, I
will be supportive, but until then youíre on your own.Ē This is
different then enabling immoral or destructive behavior. Itís
very destructive to the relationship when blaming goes on.
If there is an addiction problem in the home,
just little things you say and do may be enabling him or her to
sustain their addiction. Such as putting them to
bed at night, instead of leaving them sprawled out on the hard floor.
Or lying to the children and making excuses to your family and friends
about the partner with the addiction. This is
assisting in your partnerís destructive behavior instead of being
To be supportive, you would tell them that next
time they pass out on the floor, youíre leaving them there. You
would explain to them that you love them (not the disease) so much
that you are going to leave them on the floor so they can see what
theyíre doing to themselves. Sound mean? Well itís not! This is
what your partner needs to help them out of the denial they are in.
And by detaching yourself emotionally from them, you will learn
to stop babying the addiction.
To be supportive, you would tell your partner
that youíre leaving until they stop their destructive and
unproductive lifestyle. You would explain to them that their immoral
behavior is affecting the whole household and that you arenít going
to make it everyone elseísí problem anymore. Be
sure that this is what you want to do before you tell them. Once you
tell your partner your boundaries, you canít go back. You
canít call wolf and later expect them to believe you. So you must
carry out what you set out to accomplish.
To be supportive you would stop lying to everyone
about your partnerís addiction. Remember, your partnerís problem
is not yours, unless you stop making it your problem and assuming
responsibility for it. Stop taking the
responsibility and start taking care of your self. Only then will your
partner wake up to their denial and get help. Enabling
behavior by you affirms the denial in the addicted person.
If your partner often insults, criticizes or
defines your being and you allow this behavior, you are assisting them
to carry on with this harmful behavior. Donít
allow your partner to destroy your spirit. Often
times they donít even realize that they are doing this. Speak up for
yourself and set limits on how youíre partner may treat you. You
have every right to not allow emotional abuse of any kind from your
If your partner finds fault and continually puts
you down, there are underlying issues that need to be dealt with. But
if you allow your partner to mistreat you this issue will never get
resolved. When you are glued to your partner and
believe you need them for everything is when that partner will
mistreat you. They sense your dependence upon them and therefore feel
secure knowing they can treat you anyway they want. Dependent
individuals never speak up for themselves-just sit there and agree
with the insults. Later they become resentful over
it and start believing that what their partner says about them is
You can stop emotional abuse by responding in an
assertive fashion while expressing your feelings and establishing
boundaries for those who trespass. By doing this on
a continual basis, you will come out from inside of yourself and start
becoming who you are, not what your partner says you are.
Let go of the emotional abuse of another by simply not allowing
it. People who are attached emotionally to another
are inside of themselves; donít know themselves, and so take their
partners identity to take the place of their own hidden identity.
You can stop emotional abuse by walking away from
it. When emotional abuse continues it is because it
is allowed to continue. Let your partner understand through your
actions, that what they say isnít going to upset you anymore.
Donít let your partner see you upset.
Detach from that which is negative by learning to
express your feelings and expressing who you really are. Locking
feelings inside allows for others to make up your feelings for you.
Since you donít talk, your partner will do it for you. When
your partner talks for you and defines you, it isnít who you are,
but who they say you are. They are trespassing against you spirit.
When you voice your feelings instead of being the
timid mouse you have been, your partner will realize that you are an
individual, separate from them. How can they insult
and mistreat you when you have spoken up on behalf of yourself? They
canít and that is when respect comes in. So the three things you can
do for yourself are to be assertive, express your feelings and set
boundaries for yourself. Your partner will appreciate you more for it.
Your spirit will grow and you will find yourself.
Angie Lewis copyright2001 All
resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be
separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always
punishing anyone who comes between them. -- Sydney Smith
Can a woman be independent and still submit to
her husband? Of course! Some of you might think it sounds insincere,
but itís not. You might wonder, how you can maintain your
individuality and still surrender yourself to your husbandís
authority? Many women feel that when they surrender to their
husbandís authority, they will lose their independence.
A mature independent woman can indeed maintain
her individuality and still submit to her husbandís authority in
spiritual matters. The only time a wife should think twice about not
honoring her husband in decision-making is when he is using the
scripture incorrectly to manipulate and coerce the relationship.
Unfortunately this does happen.
How you can tell when it happens? A
Christ-Honoring man will not try and control his wife. He will not
demand that she do anything that would place her in a degrading,
dangerous or deprived situation. When a Divinely
inspired husband sets dreams and goals for his family, he does it
through what he feels in his heart is the will of God. The same
applies when a major decision needs to be fulfilled.
If a husband becomes demanding because of his own
selfish reasons, then a wife need not submit to that kind of
authority. This is called ďself-seekingĒ
authority for it comes from his own ideas and schemes, not from a
godly position and is used to manipulate and control a person and
If a man controls his wife with offensive or
otherwise, cruel channels just to get her to do something that she
feels is against the will of God, as she knows it, she should assert
herself right away to her husband by explaining her feelings on the
Explain why you feel it is not what God would
want for the family. Set forth examples through
scripture. Let your husband understand that you arenít demeaning his
decision, but that you donít think it feels ethically constructive
to make this decision at this time. Challenge your husband to see if
he can figure out a new method of dealing with the issue instead of
you taking the lead and making the decision.
Communicating feelings is so very important in
situations where decisions need to be made. Sometimes
other issues may be troubling your husband and his decision may not be
prudent or wise. Communicate why you might not
think a deciding issue to be wise and nine times out of ten, your
husband will agree. Expressing yourself properly to
your husband shows independence. He will be
grateful that you spoke up and explained yourself.
An independent-minded Christian woman can sustain
her individuality and still be submissive to her husbandís
authority. Submission means to respect and honor the man you married.
How can respecting the man you married take independence away from
you? It canít. When a Christian wife rebels
knowingly against the divine authority of her husband, she will also
be rebelling against the will of God.
If a wife respects her husband, she is then able
to be independent. If a woman is independent and
knows who she is, she will respect her husband. A woman who
understands and loves herself will submit and respect her husband
through good times and bad. And a man will forever love his wife if
she respects him.
What happens if there is a major
decision to be made and both husband and wife are steering in
First the wife should express her beliefs and
the issue with her Christ-Honoring husband.
If he is still adamant about his decision and if it rests on a
Godly foundation, then the wife should submit to her husband.
Respect is recognizing and accepting your partner
for who they are. When we consider our partners
feelings by giving them room to be what God created them to become, we
are respecting our partner.
Respect your partner and they will be more
productive and creative in the relationship. The marriage
will grow and you will be happier. The partner who
feels good about who they are is respected by their mate. Why is that?
We all need validation and there is no better person to feed our ego
then our partner. When our partner validates us, it
letís us know that what we do and what we say is okay. If our
actions are okay, then we must be okay.
But, you say that your partner must earn your
respect. What for? This is like saying, ďI wonít forgive my
husband for having an affair-ever because Iím the victim here.Ē
If you feel you are the victim of circumstance,
ask yourself, ďdid I put myself into the position of being the
victim? If your husband had the affair, it seems to me that he would
be the victim, not you. You see we make ourselves victims by behaving
in ways as if weíre being victimized. But
essentially, what your husband did has nothing to do with you.
Any woman who loves her husband would feel awful
if her Husband was having an affair, but we canít
allow ourselves to become victimized over it. If we feel victimized,
we become the victim.
If a person believes that someone needs to
ďearnĒ (do good by) respect, then that person feels like a victim
of circumstance. Otherwise they would be able to accept what is and
continue on with life instead of feeling victimized by others.
You will never be able to respect others if you feel like a
Treat others the way you would like to be
treated is the old adage here. Using this concept in marriage
and putting it into action is how we begin to understand what it is
like to respect others and to be respected.
Next time we feel disrespected or otherwise
insulted by our partner, letís detach
from their negative emotions. Give it back to them
by walking away from it. Donít accept what they are saying as real.
And donít accept the role of victim and you wonít become the
A. God has
God is the author of marriage.
If God is not the author of marriage,
who is? Is it your husband/wife or the state? If marriage
is just a contract between the marriage
couple and the state then anyone of these can dictate and or interfere
with how that marriage
is perceived and what it will become.
do you think are the three main causes of divorce?
is in the nature of man/woman to try and find ways out of complex and
painful situations. Each situation is unique and personal and depends
on the coupleís relationship with their creator. In
some situations there are circumstances where a person needs to
for me, what you think is the perfect marriage?
canít give you a blueprint of what the perfect marriage
would be. But in my eyes, the perfect marriage
model would be the institution resting on the foundation of God. In my
opinion a good marriage
is when both couples are mature enough to love their partner the way
they want to be loved and to treat their partner the way they want to
do you think is the best part about marriage?
Doing things together.
Dear subscribers, I hope that you have enjoyed
your first newsletter. I will be adding some
interactive projects to the Heaven
web site as well. Donít forget to save the site
to your bookmarks or favorites for easier downloading in the future.
What would you like to see in the next issue of
me with your comments.
Until next time!
May your marriage
shine like the brightest star!
Angie Lewis http://www.heavenministries.com/
copyright © 2002
All Rights Reserved