to an Abusive Alcoholic: Am I Helping My Spouse to Drink?
It can be very difficult when living with an
alcoholic. You never know what to expect from one moment to the next. If
you are married to an alcoholic then you need to set boundaries for your
personal self. You NEED to take care of you now. You do not have to
allow the alcoholics verbal abuses to take control of your emotions
another minute longer!
We’ve all heard the saying “sticks and stones
may break my bones but names will never hurt me”. Well, this is pretty
much what it’s like when living with a verbally abusive alcoholic.
Learn to not let “the names” hurt you by emotionally detaching. You
should never allow the alcoholic behavior control how you will behave
because by doing this it shows that you are controlled by alcoholism
just as much as the alcoholic is.
Love the Alcoholic But Detach From the Alcoholism
Loving an alcoholic is different
then loving the behaviors of alcoholism. For instance, the wife of an
alcoholic husband still has duties as his wife, therefore as
difficult as it may seem sometimes we still need to cook our husband’s
dinner, whether they are alcoholic or not. But this does not mean to
serve alcohol with dinner or to sit down with and interact with the
alcoholic as they start to drink.
Sitting down with and interacting with your loved
one as they drink themselves to oblivion is enabling them because it
shows him or her that you are accepting their drinking behavior. A
husband or wife should never sit down with, argue and fuss with, scream
and holler at, or chitchat with a drinking alcoholic. This only confirms
in the alcoholic that their drinking and abusive behavior is acceptable.
A wife or husband needs to be discerning and know
when to show a support of love to the alcoholic and when they should
emotionally detach. To know the difference ask yourself this question:
Is there anything that I am doing that would help my husband/wife to
drink? TIP: Once your spouse starts drinking for the day, just about
anything you do or say can be misconstrued or manipulated by the
alcoholic so it is best NOT to interact with them.
Prepare a “Self Preservation” Retreat
Learning to emotionally detach from the alcoholic
is not always easy, this is why it is ideal to prepare a “self
preservation” retreat that you can hold up in while the alcoholic is
left to himself to drink. The
truth is most spouses of alcoholics are just as emotionally and
spiritually sick as the alcoholic just because of all the abusive
garbage they take in every single time the alcoholic drinks. It’s now
time to take care of you and let the alcoholic be responsible for their
In many cases loved ones of alcoholics will need to
physically detach from the abuse just because the alcoholic behavior
is too difficult to ignore and this is “why” you have a
self-preservation retreat set up in your home. If you do not have a
spare bedroom or basement, use the master bedroom and have the alcoholic
sleep on the couch or hide abed. This does not mean you will never be
intimate with or have sex with your spouse but being intimate and having
sex with the alcoholic should always be done when they are NOT drinking
anyway, or you will only be enabling their addiction once again.
If you have small children in the home, this
retreat should also accommodate them as well. Ideally this room should
have toys, paper, coloring books, crayons, snacks, small refrigerator,
drinks, laptop, cell phone, TV, books, magazines, and a bathroom. It
should be set up in such a way that you would not have to leave this
room and confront the alcoholic drinking in other parts of the home.
If the alcoholic does not stay away from you while
he or she is drinking then it is a good idea to record their verbal
abuse for several nights in a row. Then the next day play back the
recording and let them hear themselves. Nicely, but assertively let them
know that it is this verbal and emotional abuse that you are
detaching from and they need to respect your requirements and not
trespass against your spirit and mind while they are drinking.
Let them know: If they are drinking, you will go to
your retreat for the night. If they want to stay sober you will be more
than happy to sit with them in the living room and watch a movie. Let
your spouse know that you love them but you are not going to get caught
in the alcoholic trap with them. You need to take care of your spiritual
and emotional well-being and that won’t happen if you are a target to
a verbally abusive alcoholic. And that’s it. Email me if you have any
Stop taking responsibility. Spouses need to stop rescuing the alcoholic and start taking care of their own spiritual and emotional wellbeing. Don't let alcoholism anger, or stress you out another day! Take care of YOU!
Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse: http://www.heavenministries.com/paypalebooks/Detachfromalcoholicspouse.htm