|Marriage Alive! Newsletter|
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God made them male and female for a reason. 1) To give and receive sexual pleasure in marriage. 2) To bear children for the Lord. 3) To compliment one another in marriage. 4) To show the example of Christ and the church—marriage is the living symbol of Christ and the church. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. He nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. (Ephesians 5: 28-29) And this is the way marriage should be.
It’s normal to feel anger after you find out that
your husband has been unfaithful. But we must understand that anger is a
negative emotion that can inflict a lot of bad behaviors and often times
spur of the moment foolishness. We must get a grip on our anger and not
let it control our state of mind and make us bitter and of no use to God
and to others.
What many people don’t understand is they do not
have to become verbally abusive and violent to release anger out of their
system and get a point across. In fact anger never resolves issues at all,
but makes the situation worse. Scripture
talks quite a bit about anger and for good reason; God knows it
destruction on the lives of those who are caught up in it. Anger can lead
to verbal abuse, revenge, murder and violence of all kinds.
Anger separates us from the love of God and makes us
bitter and wretched people inside. We must learn how to express this
emotion when we feel it creep up within our mental state. Proverbs 29:22,
gives us a good example of just what anger can do to people. “An angry
man stirs up dissension and a hot tempered man commits many sins.” So
wives be careful because your reaction, if in anger, may produce sin in
A wife can assertively but calmly express her
disappointment and anger with her husband by simply communicating her
feelings. And she can certainly get her husband to explain himself better
when she uses friendly tactics rather than enemy tactics. Most wives want
to know “why” their husbands cheated. But 9 times out of 10 you will
not get a straight answer because they don’t even know why they
A married man most of the time, not all the time,
does not commit adultery because he does not find his wife attractive, or
even because he does not love her. The number one reason is simply lack of
self-control. Struggling with flesh issues for a man is difficult to do
when he does not have real commitment for his marriage and when he
puts God on the bottom of his priority list. We all struggle with the
flesh, not just men, but this particular article is about unfaithful
It’s true, husbands and wives are not there for
each other anymore emotionally and sexually—they are just too busy with
their lives. This is very unfortunate because the separate lives that
couples make for themselves makes it easier for them to want to receive
ego boosting, praise and gratification needs outside of the marriage, and
for men, that is through sex; for women it is through feelings, emotional
adultery, which sometimes leads to physical adultery.
Going outside the bounds of the one flesh of marriage
is like getting a fix to an addiction. They are addicted to love but the
love they are receiving from society is not love but lust. This is what a
marriage without God is like. It feeds off the world for survival, but
actually the marriage is dying from the lack of spiritual nutrients.
Solution: We NEED to get off the pedestal and put God at the top of our
To obsess over the affair and speculate as to
“why” your husband committed adultery will only rile the anger up
within you. Understand this: When a woman even remotely gives a man, who
does not put God first in his life, a foothold, he’ll take her body
language to means, “let’s have sex”. So eventually, if his thoughts
dwell on this person long enough and if emotional and sexual needs are not
getting met at home, he will commit adultery.
So as you can see the “why” your husband had an
affair is without value because it does not resolve anything. What matters
is finding a solution to the problem or it is going to keep happening over
and over again. Some men can’t keep their thoughts and eyes in their own
back yard because they have put God at the bottom of their priority list
when He needs to be on top! The solution is simple. But fixing the
solution takes a humble and meek spirit.
Husband’s need to give up their pride and allow God
to be their Captain because seriously folks, you are not doing a very good
job at managing your own life on your own terms, are you? If we are too
proud to humble our sinful and wretched lives to God, healing may never
take place. This is the reality.
And if wives continue to harbor anger and resentment towards a cheating husband it may hinder him in seeking Christ for his life. So the bottom line is becoming angry and allowing that anger to control how you react is the wrong way to deal with a unfaithful husband. Love your husband, but emotionally detach from this sin. Ask God to help you to stop obsessing over the “why” your husband had an affair. Help him by helping yourself. You can be an example of all that is good and right—this is God’s will for you now.
Don’t let your spouse’s family put a damper on your holiday season. Whether you are going to the in-laws for Christmas or they are coming to yours, there are several ways to enjoy their company without their company destroying your enjoyment. As we all know not all in-laws are difficult to deal with, but some can be. Even so, I think most in-laws mean well and certainly do not want to cause disagreements.
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. (Romans 14:19)
We can’t change our in-laws, no matter what we do. So then knowing this we have to get it in our head that we must accept and tolerate them for who they are. If they are over-bearing and demanding, accept that and carry on with the Spirit of the holidays. Don’t let their attitude make an impact on your Spirit. Be kind and polite always.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:18
Now that we know we can’t change our in-laws we can stop complaining about them to our spouse, because this will only makes things worse and tensioned filled when they come to visit. When mother in-law tells you how to prepare the stuffing for the turkey or how to set the table, or decorate your home, give her a big hug, tell her thank you and walk away. There is no need to go into a long drawn out reason “why” you aren’t going to make the stuffing her way or decorate your home the way she wants. In other words there is no need to defend how you do things in your life if you are confident about with how you do things. You get it?
A prudent woman overlooks an insult. Proverbs 12:16 NIV
But sometimes a mother in-law may have good advice and in that case you may want to continue receiving it. I have an Italian mother in-law who likes to tell me how to cook and this can be difficult when being in the kitchen with her for an extended period of time. But I realize she is only over for the weekend and so I accept it. I still cook the way that I know is appreciated by my husband and three children. I simply give her a hug and let her know this is the way my family likes it, but if we come to her house we would love to taste her recipes.
If you allow your in-laws to get under your skin because of their unpleasant remarks or disrespectful comments then you are feeding into their attitudes and this can be a negative thing for them and for you and your family as well. The more they think you are ruffled by their remarks the more they may feel they need to goad you. Let them see how relaxed and confident you are in your ability to feed twenty guests, take care of the children, hubby, and other household duties. They will be amazed.
Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12)
Father in-laws usually are a bit more calm and quiet than mother in-laws. To make father in-law happy give him his favorite sport to watch on television and a nice comfortable chair to sit in and some snacks and he’ll be happy. Mother in-law on the other hand may need a bit more activities to keep her mind and hands occupied. So find things around the house to keep mother in-law busy with.
Make mom in-law feel useful. If she likes to knit or crochet, have these crafts available to her. If she likes to bake, have everything ready on the counter for her to bake with. If she likes reading, have her favorite books handy. And by all means, if she wants to help you cook that’s fine too, but the kitchen and how everything is prepared is still your domain. Be the master of your domain by being respectful and pleasant with your in-laws, even though at times it may be difficult.
Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. (Proverbs 17:14)
Remember the old adage of detaching. If you have to detach with love because your in-laws are being domineering and controlling, then you may have to leave the room for a time until you get your frustrations off your chest. Try not to initiate a family squabble or the holiday Spirit will be ruined for everyone involved. Your loving detachment may be the wisest thing you can do and the best holiday present you can give everyone.
Detaching with love is being respectful and assertive about how you feel. If you have to speak up, do it in a kind and polite way. Never raise your voice. Learn to grin and bear it as the saying goes. This is in a sense very biblical as “turning the other cheek”. Forgive your in-laws their trespasses. It is the respectful and honorable thing to do.
Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)
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