My Wife Won't Forgive Me! (Part 1 of 2)
My wife torments me everyday because I had an affair. I wish that I hadn’t cheated on her, it was wrong and I feel so much grief and shame over it. I just wish she would quit rubbing my nose in it. I know that she hates me, otherwise, why else would she continue to torment me with my past? I can’t live like this anymore.
Why do you think this woman is
not forgiving her husband? She thinks she is benefiting from using her
negative feelings against her husband. She is allowing the hurt she
feels to control her thoughts about her husband to such a degree that
she is using this power over her husband to make herself feel better.
And its true! She might feel
better for about five minutes until her unforgiving heart needs fed
again. She will envision her husband in bed with another woman and
then abuse her husband with it every chance she gets. This is how she
deals with the pain.
Those of us who have dealt
with the issue of adultery can relate to this woman’s wounded heart
but what about her husband? What happens to him? What is he supposed
to do for the pain he is feeling?
Not everyone can forgive
properly but without true forgiveness, the marriage
will be threatened by lack of trust, which only a spiritual
perceptiveness can repair. With that said, this
woman can either continue wallowing in her pain or come out from her
selfish feelings she is now living in and decide to forgive her
So lets look at this issue a
bit closer. The wife is hurting “big time” over her husband’s
stupid and sinful mistake but he is remorseful and asking for
forgiveness. Therefore, this woman needs to stop living for herself,
come out of her selfishness and start taking care of her marriage
before there is no marriage
left to take care of! Wouldn’t you agree?
you can never forget the past, but that doesn’t mean you cannot
learn to forgive completely either, which is essentially not abusing
your spouse with it every darn chance you get.
In marriages that aren’t so great to begin with, adultery is used as a weapon to manipulate and control the adulterer with. It is a strong weapon, wielded at the most opportune times to feel better about self, to get what you want, to seem like the good guy, and sometimes to destroy the marriage through divorce. But none of this is necessary.
know this because I have been there and done that. I have been on both
sides of this issue. Both sides are filled with heartache and despair
but it can be rectified through the proper foundations.
We are all human beings and make mistakes but God knows in our heart if we are remorseful of our mistakes He will give us a chance to ask for His forgiveness.
course we need time to reflect, and to lament, and to even dwell on
the hurt we are feeling but we cannot go on living on that foundation
to long or the marriage
have to be willing to make amends and to give our spouse the same
forgiveness that God has forgiven us!
says we are to forgive the adulterer IF they have stopped in their
weakness and have repented. We have all sinned. Is this woman better
than her husband because she wasn’t the one caught in the act of
adultery? I don’t think so.
are all sinners! Maybe we don’t cheat on our spouse, maybe we only
abuse our spouse with our angry and hateful words. In my book, the
woman who constantly abuses and berates her husband over his past is
sinning! She is hurting the marriage
tremendously! She is no better than her husband.
doesn’t have different levels for different sins. A sin is a sin no
matter what that sin is. That is why Jesus said to the crowd, “Those
WITHOUT SIN cast the first stone.” No one could cast a stone at the
adulterous woman because they have all sinned! Jesus knew the woman
was truly remorseful for what she had done, and that is why he said,
“Go and sin no more.”
didn’t say, “Those who have not committed adultery cast the first
stone.” Jesus was telling us how we’re all
sinners and a sin is a sin in the eyes of God.
where are they? Has no one condemned you?
one sir, “ she said.
neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go and leave your life
of sin.” John 8:10
forgiveness means a change of heart. If we say that we have forgiven
but in our heart we are still bitter and angry then we have not
“really” forgiven but “really” lied to our self.
good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart,
and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his
heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. Luke
forgiveness only comes from having Faith in Jesus Christ. Why is that?
Because it is through Christ that WE HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN. Take Jesus
Christ out of the equation, God forbid, and forgiveness of our sins
would be no more!
God’s help we can accept Christ’s forgiveness and stop in our
made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might
become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
simple exchange works like this, our sins were given over to Jesus
Christ at His crucifixion and His righteousness is given to us when we
believe. Without belief or acceptance in the source of true
forgiveness we will be unable to forgive others when they sin against
had one husband write in and tell me the pain and suffering he was
feeling and it tore me up. Here is what he said.
“After cheating on a spouse, you feel so helpless and worthless. You would do anything to go back and change what happened and there's nothing you can do. When a spouse does not forgive and torments you continuously about your mistake, it wears at your innermost being. The sorrow and grief and shame are unbearable. I could not think of a better gift and proof of true love and character than forgiving someone that has hurt you. Especially someone who has hurt you deeply. I hope to experience this gift one day and be able to have a full heart once again.”
The next newsletter will focus on what the husband can do when a wife will not forgive him.