By Angie Lewis
Anyone can be assertive but
it involves practice. We can’t just one day say, “Hey I’m going to be
assertive today.” We have to
realize the times when we need to be assertive and practice it.
In marriage there are many
times when we need to be assertive with our spouse. We may need to let them know
how we FEEL for instance. Being assertive is good for marriage. I’ll tell you
It lets our spouse know how we feel
It tells our spouse that we have self confidence in what we do
It allows us to have what we need and want
We become more self assured in everything we do
isn't being aggressive, rude or violent. Assertiveness is expressing our self
properly by telling others what we want and who we are.
I’m going to show you how
to be assertive with your spouse without being overbearing and aggressive. We
don’t want to get overbearing, but we do want them to know how we are feeling.
People-pleasing types have
a difficult time being assertive because they won't speak up for themselves.
They want their spouse and friends to be happy, but later feel resentful and
needy because of it.
We cannot be happy in
marriage if we’re ALWAYS trying to make our spouse happy! Can we?
When we apply assertive thinking into our life and
marriage we realize how much more content we are with our self and others
because we are pleasing our self instead of everyone else. Resentment? What’s
When we are self-assured and know what it is we want
and need, we become who we are and we show others who we are. We can still please others and be assertive, and so
we shouldn’t become selfish over it, and only consider our feelings. We need
to find balance that brings us, as well as our spouse, and anyone else in the
home, the happiness we all deserve.
I know that many couples struggle in their marriage
and it's because of something a spouse did or didn’t do. These couples are
unhappy and on the verge of divorce. But you see, if they would stop
focusing on what their spouse did or didn’t do, and start focusing on what
THEY can do about it, they would begin to "grow out" from the problems
they carry from within.
Divorce has now become the easy way out. But this is
a selfish and unrealistic way to perceive happiness. Happiness is something that
you cannot find through others. To gain it, you must go after it. You cannot sit
around hoping your partner will change, so you can be happy. You need to do
something about it from your end. That
is where assertiveness comes in.
Somehow we expect our partners to know how we are
feeling and expect them to cater to our every need. But this isn't right.
We can’t expect our spouse to know how we’re feeling. We need to speak up
and tell them, and we can start by being assertive with what we have to say.
If someone doesn't know "who they are" or
what they want out of life, they will never truly be happy-no matter who
they are married to. The grass looks better on the other side of the
fence, but it's a mirage.
We please our self by being assertive, and when we do
assert our self we FEEL more loving. Love will flow freely from our heart and
this is real love. Real love doesn’t have any conditions or stipulations that
need met, because we have already taken care of what we want for our selves by
This is the kind of love that we all want, but no one
ever seems to get. When we are happy and peaceful with who we are, we certainly
don’t need to be sponging off our spouse for happiness. We can give them more
room to be who it is they are too. And now, instead of both spouses’ being
unhappy and miserable in the marriage, they both can be happy together!
Ironically, the more we please our self, the better
marriage partner we become. With our own needs fulfilled, we will have so much
more to give.
Husbands prefer their wives to be assertive with
them. They actually want to please their wives. They want their wives to be
happy. But all too often husbands don't know what it is their wife needs because
she doesn't speak up for her self assertively!
She wants to please everyone all the time, but
afterwards, she complains about it, but it's too late by then. Sound familiar?
The problem starts when a “people pleaser” spouse
has given to their limit, and ends up unfulfilled and discontented. Sometimes
the need for fulfillment comes in the form of desperation, and causes all sorts
of problem in the marriage. Bing! The grass SEEMS very green on the other side
of the fence again. Now what?
The real problem is, couples aren't being assertive
enough to tell each other what it is they want. Expectations become so huge
that when they aren’t fulfilled, disappointment and resentment steps in.
Someone in the marriage needs to break this pattern
before things get out of hand. Don't expect your spouse to do this. Hang-up the
pride and start respecting who you married. Choose to love. You can start by
being assertive about what you really want.
If we don’t get the respect or love from our spouse
that we think we’re entitled to, we start to cling to them for it, by any
means possible. We might complain, nag, yell, scream, clam up, and become
The truth is, the more we cling to our spouse for
happiness and try and control them through our neediness, the more they will
back off from us, and the more desperate we will become. This is why I stress so
often in my articles that to find happiness, we FIRST need to find it from
within our self.
To get respect, FIRST we need to be respectful, to be
loved, we first need to be loving. If we find this too difficult to do, then we
back away for a while until it becomes easier for us to do. It is God’s will
that we respect, and honor the person we married. Don't beg for happiness.
We can seek peace and contentment through the
spiritual self. We all have a spirit that God has given us. This spirit within
us is all we need to bring happiness and peace into our lives. That means we
should stop looking to what the culture does for their marriage and seek out
what God wants for us.
“We have not received the spirit of the world but
the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given
us.” 1 Corinthians 2:12
By utilizing the Spirit of God for marriage we will
be given the understanding to know everything we need to know to be happy,
peaceful, and content-filled in marriage.
Copyright 2006 ~ Heaven Mini
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