is an act of being a good listener and understanding what the
other person is trying to say. Communication is a useful
tool, in speech and in writing, for conveying information to
others in everyday transactions.
Anyone can become a skilled communicator and
effectively interact with others. For most of us, it's
probably easier to be the talker than the listener. But we should
try to really listen to what the other person is saying or at
least trying to say. And if we are at all confused at what we
are hearing, ask questions.
We're not acting silly because we don't fully
understand someone and need to ask more questions. We're acting
silly when we think we already know someone and take that
person's way of thinking and feelings under our own
understanding and dissect it into what we want and think it to
Some of us don't know how to convey feelings
and thoughts the way we really feel because were afraid of what
the other person might think of us. But if we don't explain
ourselves and how we feel about something that person will not
see us for who we really are.
When we interact with others through faulty
communication that could be detrimental to the partnership it
causes our spouse to feel like we don't love or care about them.
It can be very confusing to the partner who is taking this
abuse When we act out aggression in a such a bad way. Our
spouse really doesn't understand what we are trying to convey to them,
whether it be a complaint or harbored resentment.
It's okay to express angry feelings, but to do it in a way
that is going to actually assist both parties in getting the
issue resolved. Accusing and finger pointing doesn't get
feelings and thoughts out appropriately. What does is directing
the emotions at yourself, instead of at your partner.
Do say, "I feel so angry that you spent our
vacation money. We both worked hard at saving those funds."
Don't say, "You stupid idiot, what is wrong with you,
can't you do anything right?"
Always try to turn the conversation towards self by using
phrases like, "I thought," "I feel,"
"I think," Try not to use finger
pointing accusations. this will shut down the
When dealing with issues within the marriage, I have found
that some of us tend to over-react and go on and on and not
really get to the point of what's bothering us. When there is a
problem that needs discussed, we may bring up past issues,
instead of the issue at hand because we feel resentful. It's
hard for anyone to understand this kind of behavior and it feels
like we are being nagged at instead of talked to. This is why
some of us avoid issues and confrontations or walk away when the
heat kicks up.
No one wants to be nagged at or put down. Lack of
proper communication never solves the problem. More resentment
builds and walking away and ignoring the who issue sounds better
and better. But we don't want
this. We just need to learn how to react when our partner upsets
Even though we all know that men nag too, we also know that men
usually only say their complaint once and that's the end of it. We
woman on the other hand seem to keep it up. and for good reason,
our men aren't hearing us. But why is that? Maybe it is because we
have a naggy tone and persistent attitude about our beef.
Men don't want to be
nagged at, they want to be talked to, just like we all
do. Yelling or behaving nasty will not work. What
will is a soft toned voice with a sweet smile.
And when trouble does arise in the marriage, and you have a
complaint, essentially, men need their wives to come
right out with what is bothering them when it happens. Don't
wait until the moon is full again. He will have forgot about the
issue by then.
For instance, wives, lets say you need your
husband to go to the store after he gets off work. You should
say something like this, "John, please go to the
grocery store after work, I need bread and milk.
"John, I'm out of bread and milk and I'm really tired
tonight. If you have time after work, if you could, please go to
the grocery store. But, if you don't want to, I guess that I can
just go in the morning."
If you ask in a round-about way, like
you don't care if he goes to the store or not, he'll probably
not think it very important to go to the store and buy bread and
milk and won't go to the store. He heard you say, if
you could and or have time, thereby thinking the
grocery errand to not be very important. Because he didn't go to
the grocery store for you, you are now feeling resentful towards
So just come right out with what you have to say
or what you want with a nice tone in your voice-and it works!
Men on the other hand, when expressing themselves have a
tendency to shorten things too much and think their wives can
read their minds. Which isn't true.
Men, if you are talking to your wives about
something, it helps to explain in detail what it is you're
needing her to do. Women like and need more
detail. Specify who, what, when, and where and she'll be happy.
For instance, lets say you wrote her a note
asking her if she could drop the hand truck off at Bill's house.
Yet, you and your wife know three Bill's and she isn't sure
which Bill to give the hand truck to. She calls you at work and
you're in a meeting all day and can't come to the phone. She did
not drop the hand truck off at Bill's. But you
promised to loan the hand truck to Bill. You broke your promise
to Bill because you didn't convey proper communication in your
note to your wife as to which Bill you were referring to.
can't read your mind.
to the chase and say what you
Sometimes we hear only what we want to hear and miss out on much
of what was really said. We do this in the hopes that we can
scamper away from reality so we won't feel the hurt or pain from
what we just heard. Or we actually hear what was said, but
forget we ever heard it.
Good talkers are usually good listeners. And good listeners
will speak what they mean. They explain things in such a way
that the other person understands exactly what it is they are
trying to convey.
Expressing thoughts and feelings can be hard to do.
Especially when we aren't sure what those thoughts are. We
should strive to know what it is we want ourselves before saying
something that could invariably bring on distorted thinking and
Sometimes we don't want to accept what the
other person is saying and this is where difficulties can arise
in marriage. Intolerance of another person's views and ideas
stems from self righteous thinking and is wrong. Were all
entitled to our own ideas and opinions even between husband and
wife. Too many times, we think we're right and our spouse
is wrong. But everyone needs the freedom to be oneself -think
for oneself and to form opinions without criticism.
Complainers, naggers and disagreeable people have a difficult
time listening to what others have to say and usually aren't
good at expressing themselves either.
So what can you do? Next time you are in a conversation with your
spouse, instead of butting in, like you always do, try taking the
time to listen to what they have to say. As they talk, put your
brain muscle to work, and try to put yourself in their
Try and understand why your spouse see's it in a different way
then yourself. Nine times out of ten, you will understand their
position in a better light, instead of being the antagonist.
Remember, when we do not take the time to listen we do not
understand and we become obstinately opinionated.
Skilled expression between two people means not to "beat
around the bush," but to actually speak out thoughts and
convey what we are feeling. Be open and honest with each other.
Explain to your spouse why you feel a certain way. Listen to
your spouse and find out why they feel a certain way. Otherwise feelings will not be
understood in their entirety and something important that was
meant to be said a certain way, will be nowhere to be found and unresolved
issues will turn into resentment.
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