Being Abusive In Your Marriage And Be Assertive Instead
How can we stop being abusive with our spouse and
be assertive instead? It’s easy once we learn a few simple
communication techniques. When we are frustrated, disappointed,
stressed, or angry what happens? We use our emotions in negative ways
with our spouse. This causes a chain reaction and they become abusive
back. But this kind of interaction between married couples does not
resolve anything, but only makes things worse!
The truth is we can control our emotions and the
way we express ourselves—we really can! We can grow away from the
habit of using our emotions destructively and start using them
constructively. I always say that emotions are ok to have as long as
couples don’t verbally abuse one another with angry words and fist. We
have to get our feelings out somehow and so learning to be productive
with our feelings is where to start.
10 Ways To Be Productive During an Argument
1) Listen to what your spouse has to say, even
if you disagree! Hold back from interrupting because quite frankly,
it is very rude to interrupt people when they are trying to express
themselves, even if they are expressing themselves in a negative way.
2) If there is anything ambiguous that your spouse
said to you then have them clear it up so you do understand. What’s
the use in listening if you aren’t really hearing?
2) Once they’re done talking its now you’re
turn. Don’t fingerprint, blame, or accuse your spouse of any
wrong doing, even if you think they are wrong! There is a special way
you communicate your feelings without them becoming defensive and
denying what you said about them.
3) Keep an even tone as your speak. Don’t
sound whiny, squeaky, naggy, or yell and scream at your spouse.
4) Use sentences that start with “I feel”, “I
wish” and “I think”. Don’t
tell your spouse how they feel and don’t tell them what they
should do or what they are. How
do you know any of those things if you aren’t them? Let them tell you
how they feel.
5) If you are too angry to talk with an even
tone then you need to leave the room. Too much anger will not
resolve the issue and will only make it worse.
6) Make sure you know your own feelings before
telling your spouse your feelings. What are your needs? What do you need
rectified from this argument? What do you want from your spouse? What
are you going to do to help rectify the issue at hand?
7) Don’t keep your feelings and needs inside.
Bottled up feelings cause resentment. Resentment is a marriage
destroyer. Resentment will also hurt your spiritual lives tremendously
because it keeps us bitter inside and distant from God.
8) Be assertive with how you feel and what you
want. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings about issues in
marriage. This is the number one problem why couples grow apart—it is
because they DO grow apart—they don’t know one another anymore. If
you don’t talk with your spouse about how you feel and what you need
then how on earth can they oblige themselves to you?
9) Realize you may or may not get every need or
want met through your spouse. Some needs and wants are not the
responsibility of your spouse. Your spouse can’t make you 100
percent happy all of the time. That is just asking for too much. Find
ways that you can make yourself happy through community, hobbies, and
serving others—there is always happiness found there.
10) Be sure to do the things you can to encourage,
support, and show appreciation of the person you married. Don’t
hold back your love. Learn to compromise, communicate, and to come
up with solutions to the issues that are affecting your marriage.
All of the above communication is being assertive
and will improve your marriage immensely. Being assertive with your
feelings and needs lets your spouse know the person they married.
It allows them to either give in to those needs or at least talk to you
about them so you can both come up with an amicable solution.
Assertiveness frees you from holding in bottled up emotions and later
Being assertive makes you happy, which in turn makes your spouse happy. Assertiveness is the way to productive communication. This is why I highly recommend that the reader of this article print it out and read it together with their spouse. Remember marriage is a partnership and it takes two to tango.