As we all know
there are times in marriage when we need to detach from our spouse.
We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world.
Realistically, even in the best of marriages, couples do not get along
all the time. It is at these moments, that it is far better to detach
with love then to burst out with angry, destructive, or negative
feelings. When we detach it gives us some time to think about the
situation at length and then come back to our spouse with a satisfying
What happens when
we donít detach? Often times we come on too harsh with our feelings.
We donít think before we spew out emotional garbage onto our spouse.
Feelings are great for expressing our selves but if we use destructive
feelings to abuse or otherwise keep us from finding a solution to our
marital issues then feelings become a problem.
If we use impulsive
and reckless feelings to dictate how we will treat our spouse it can
become the way we decide to deal with all marital issues until it
becomes a habitual way of behaving. If we let our feelings determine how
we will love, for instance, we certainly wonít be able to deal with
issues appropriately. Unfortunately, many marriages are like this;
couples literally feed off of the feelings of each other.
But in reality destructive feelings starve the marriage of
For instance, your
partnerís reaction to your reaction might trigger off a certain set of
thoughtless feelings that have been played out before, but the issue
never gets resolved, therefore it gets put on the backburner with all
the rest of the garbage that didnít get fed properly.
It takes spiritual
effort on both sides to have an almost idyllic marriage we read about in
storybooks. It takes
spiritual effort to stay married! Instead
of looking for reasons to leave the marriage, we can learn to detach
with love, which takes the spiritual resolve that I am talking about.
There is a
difference between just detaching from our spouse and detaching WITH
LOVE. Detaching with angry
feelings and not caring about our spouse is detaching inappropriately.
This is NOT the kind of detachment Iím talking about.
Detaching with love
is considering our spouses feelings and accepting who they are.
Sometimes it is just better to give up and give in rather than
get in a messy and heated argument that isnít going anywhere anyway.
It is at these times we can detach from our partner with love.
When we do this we
come away feeling better emotionally and spiritually. Detaching with
love means to turn the other cheek. For instance if your spouse is not
doing anything hostile to you or the marriage, often times turning the
other cheek is the better way to go. Detaching in this way becomes a
learned way of behavior, which is far better for your psyche. Instead of
being the antagonist we have been we can learn to be more accepting,
caring and loving.
When you humble
your self and turn the other cheek you will feel so much better about
your self and about your spouse. Being humble and kind is not as hard as
it seems. Especially when we see for ourselves the positive results it
will bring into the marriage!
Detaching with love
is being humble, forgiving, and accepting. Demonstrating all of these
wonderful character traits is being loving towards the person we
married. But in a heated battle with our spouse, angry words delete all
of those traits from our mind and the angry words end up controlling our
Remember, take it
one day at a time, and donít look at it as if you have to do be of
these things right now this minute. Just knowing when you might be using
destructive feelings when dealing with marital issues is a big start to
trying to be humble and kind through proper expression of your self.
humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make
every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3
No marriage is ever
perfect here on earth; it just isnít going to happen. But we can
certainly enjoy the spouse we are married to by putting forth a little
bit more effort. We must
learn to accept our spouse and love our spouse in spite of their faults
if we want to be satisfied in our marriage.
When we see faults
in our spouse that is when we should be gentle and kind and patient like
scripture above says. Does
you spouseís actions or personality sometimes annoy you? Rather then
dwelling on your spouseís weakness or looking for faults, detach with
If you continue
being kind gentle and loving, you will see that you will want to spend
more time with your spouse because you have LEARNED to accept them for
who they are, faults and all.
2006 Heaven Ministries