The Intimately Satisfied Marriage
by Angie Lewis
What constitutes intimacy in a relationship? Is it
having great sex once a day? Is it being romantically
involved? It could be those things, but intimacy is sharing yourself
with the one you love because you trust them and you appreciate them.
Sex alone is not what makes intimacy. Romance alone is not what makes
intimacy. But if you put romance, sex, respect, honesty, communication,
and appreciate into the equation and you balance those areas out in the
marriage that could very well constitute intimacy in marriage.
To feel close to the person you married, you first
have to trust them. That includes knowing that they are there for you if
you need them. An intimate relationship is a supportive one. When you
appreciate, and encourage the person you love on a consistent basis you
are forming an intimate bond. Rejecting your spouse in any way is
pulling away at those trust levels that marriage so much needs. Couples
need and want to feel secure and emotionally involved with their
It is quite ironic that couples feel closer and
more loving towards each other the more they give of themselves in the
marriage. Intimacy is not something that just happens, it is made. It
takes two to become intimate, and it takes two to bring and maintain
intimacy in the marriage. If only one is working towards being close and
the other is pulling away from getting close, then intimacy will not
In marriage or in any relationship if you want to
be intimate and share a close bond with the person you love, then the
effort most definitely has to be put into it. Intimacy is communicating
on a deeper level than just talking about the weather and “what’s
for dinner”? Many couples take this area of the relationship for
granted. They do not realize that their marriage actually thrives on
Not sharing closeness with the one you are married
to is one of the underlying reasons for infidelity in marriage, not just
physically, but emotionally as well. And this brings
me to communication in marriage. Emotional infidelity is becoming the
new fad. It starts out innocent enough, but having an emotional
involvement with someone other than your spouse is dangerous to the
marriage. Couples do not need to go looking for someone who understands
and appreciates them. All they really need to do is to be open and
honest in their conversation with the person they married.
Communicating on an open and honest level is a part
of intimacy process. So it is very important to learn proper
communication skills on that level. Productive communication brings
something into the relationship to help couples to know and understand
each other. From the communication below, ask yourself what you could
learn from each other.
“I like it when you touch me there?” “I feel
it easier to tell you my true feelings when you don’t discount my
feelings” “When you reject me, I don’t feel
very close with you.” “I felt hurt last night
when you made fun of me in front of our guests.” “Please do not make
jokes about me in front of our friends.” “I would like it if you
would try and come home earlier at night, but if your job keeps you
working late so you can take care of us, I understand.” “I would
like it if you would not wear that skimpy shirt anymore. I want you all
to myself, and I don’t think it is a good idea having other men stare
at your breasts.” “I want to protect you, that is
one of the ways I feel that I am loving my wife.” “Could
you please not cook spinach soufflé anymore, I just don’t like it,
but everything else you cook for us is wonderful.”
This kind of communication is productive because it is open and honest. If you happen to say something negative always say something positive in the same sentence. Productive communication brings couples closer together because they are opening up to each other. And this is what you want in marriage. It is my belief that couples have productive talks a couple of times a week. These communications keep you updated and emotionally involved with the person you married, which couples thrive on for an intimately satisfied marriage.
Questions for Couples
1. Are you spending quality alone time with your spouse? Why or why not. If why not explain in detail why not and write down five ways in which you can change that.
Now do those five things together and see what happens.
2. Do you think you communicate your needs appropriately? If not, write down three needs and write in detail how you can appropriately express those needs.
1. I need...
I can express that need by...
2. I need...
I can express that need appropriately by...
3. I need...
I can express that need appropriately by...