How to Apply
Productive Communication into Your Marriage
In the past few months I have
done some due diligent research into the troubles associated with
marriage. Not to my amazement, I have discovered that in eight out of
ten marital qualms, negative emotions, feelings and attitude, played a
big role in the outcome of a coupleís marriage. Am I surprised? Not
I know somewhat about how
emotions can wreck havoc in marriage because I have been there and done
that already. The good news is that through proper self expression and
healing, both husband and wife can learn to not allow their negative
emotions to control the outcome of the marriage.
Couples get defensive,
emotional, argumentative, and controlling with each other when they
arenít being listened to. How can they listen to each other properly?
Acknowledge and validate each others feelings. Let your spouse
know that their feelings are ok to have. Donít tell them how emotional
they are, or donít tell them theyíre feelings are wrong. Instead
listen to what they have to say.
Many men feel that women are too
emotional, and that may be true, but so what? Work with her feelings by
being understanding and tolerant of those feelings. After you have
validated her feelings, then if you have a second opinion or something
else to add, by all means, do so. But donít run away from her, or
donít tell her how emotional she is. She doesnít want to hear that
from you. Be productive in your expression and
Women feel that men clam up or
become distant and negative when they are emotional. How can we help our
man? By being our manís right arm. This is what God intended for the
married woman. God gave us women the insight and talents to be our
husbandís helpmate. A manís talent lies elsewhere, like providing
for financially and protecting his family from harm.
So how can we not let those
pesky emotions control the way we think and feel? By
being positive and productive with how we are feeling.
It is so easy to turn into a
couple of chameleons with each other. Your husband comes home in a bad
mood, and what do you do? Lash back with the same attitude. Now what do
we have? A pair of bulls with bad attitudes butting
heads with each other.
Next time your spouse decides
they are going to have a bad attitude, go ahead and let them have a bad
attitude, donít fight it. You certainly do not need
to have one too. Try instead to be understanding of your spouses
negative emotions by applying kind expression. Ask them how you can
help? Remember we are not a mirror of the person we married. We can
allow negative attitudes to bounce right off of us and turn it into
something productive. Try it! Youíll see that it works.
We women are the right arms to
our husbandís. Thatís what we were created for. That
means weíre to help our grouchy husbandís to see that they really
did marry a kind-hearted woman who cares. So, how do we show him what he
can do to improve the marriage on his end? Thatís easy, through our
own nice attitude and not by trying to change his. How
productive is that? Very!
Ironically, we communicate
feelings improperly when we have a bad attitude. With
the bad attitude comes improper emotionsí controlling the outcome of
our communication. Now we have a communication breakdown taking hold of
the marriage, and this is when marriage gets derailed from the positive
outlook it needs for proper nurturing and care.
A good marriage needs
understanding, acceptance, trust, and giving. But
improper communication mixed with bad attitude and emotions halt these
productive actions from happening.
I highly encourage couples to
take hold of their marriage by learning proper techniques to control
their emotions and express themselves productively for improving the
Healthy communication during an
argument should always be directed towards self and not directed toward
your spouse. Give each other time to express what they have to say
without interrupting. Do not finger point and blame. Donít run away or
act like the victim. Be thoughtful and accepting of your spouseís
faults. Stop trying to control the person you married. Learn to be
productive with your feelings, using them in positive ways rather than
We all have the capabilities of
being productive and fruitful in our marriage; it just takes a little
bit of effort on our part to work at those areas that need a little
extra TLC. Try to not base the marriage upon the negative of what you
see in the world but on the positive and beautiful of what God created
Feed your marriage with godly
wisdom and it will grow and blossom into what God meant for marriage to
be. You and your spouse are the two legs holding up the marriage, when
one leg falls, work on what you can do to repair the broken leg and
support the marriage upon the design of the Master.
My dear brothers, take note of
this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to
become angry, for manís anger does not bring about the righteous life
that God desires. James 1:19-20
Questions for Couples
1. Write down five ways you can communicate productively with your spouse?
Now apply those five ways into your next communication with your spouse.
2. What is healthy communication?
3. If we need to communicate your needs and wants is there a better way to get those needs and wants across to your spouse?
4. When your spouse comes home in a bad mood, do you let that bad mood rub off on you?
5. What can you do differently next time when your spouse is in a "not so good mood"?
Don't let the lack of communication or faulty communication bring your marriage down! Communicate productively by being positive, compassionate, and a good listener.